Forget what you think you know

protestingrab @ 2008-01-21T06:18:00

2008-01-21T12:54:37Z

I to only post things when my life is going badly or when i am in a negative mood which is unfortunate but I suppose that is because these are the times when I most need to write something out. I feel horrifically ill right now, it is a combination of the booze from last night and emotional pain. She is back in town, why didn't she return my two e-mails? Why cant she give me the dignity of a final e-mail telling me her thoughts and feelings and telling me that she needs a little time before she can talk to me, is that really too much for me to ask? When we broke up in Spain I forgot about this feeling that was bound to come afterwards. I woke up this morning and realized she was back in the country and was hopeful that she would have e-mailed me back and realized that she never sent me a reply. I felt angry, I felt helpless, I felt sad, I dont want our relationship to be the end of our friendship, I never wanted to hurt her, I never wanted any of this negativity. How come when she decided our relationship was over and felt it nessicary to leave her guest for one night to go out on a date our relationship can be honky doory, and we can continue being friends while she runs around with another man. How come when the tables of turned and I tell her honestly how I am feeling and attempt to talk to her she just shuts me out and has to be so cold and want to cut her life from me. I am not the one that fucking ran around with another god damn person while we were supposed to be having our trip together. I hid how I actually felt from her because of how much it hurt so bad, I understand that after all of the uncertainty that preceded our trip our relationship couldn't go back to being exactly the same. But does that mean that she should leave me one night to go to a fucking club with some guy and then go back to his house not to return in the morning. My heart broke that night, not the night she told me it was over, or the night she told me that she liked another guy already, but the night she left me, her friend, sitting alone in her room all night wondering where she was or what was happening and leaving my imagination to run wild in regards to what could be going on. Then she expects everything to be absolutely fine when she has decided that I am better than her italian fling, oh well how wonderful for me that I can play the game of backup for her when she decides to run off with another guy and then her infatuation proves to be unfounded. I was never able to tell her how I really felt, we had an entire trip planned out until september, I spent all of the fucking money that I had saved up to travel half way across the fucking world. I do not have the luxury of having parents that are able to give me money every month throughout the period that I go to school, she never understood my class background. I always thought the trip was worth it, I got to see much more of the world but I was never able to deal with the emotional pain that came with the three weeks of traveling. Now here I am at 6:30 in the fucking morning spilling my guts out to a computer because no one wants to hear my shit anymore, I have talked to a few people about the very basic parts of the problem but was never able to tell people how I really truly felt. What hurt most was that she had moved on so quickly and then compounded it by talking about it all the fucking time, how could I possibly have done anything else but to say that I understand and want to help her figure it out. I was also hurt that she would leave me, her guest, for a night alone in her house after I had gone out of my way to much of a financial burden to come visit her. "I know I never told you how I felt but you could never understand the blues that you have dealt me." She claims she did things differently then when her ex boyfriend left her for another girl, oh really, why? Because you took the time to "be honest with me and tell me about" well what the FUCK?!?!? How do you think that makes it okay or less hurtful? Just because she was honest with me about her feelings that doesn't mean it any easier for me to see her getting all giddy and drooling over some fucking guy I have never met, nor can I ever meet. Would Alessandro go to all of your doctor appointments with you? Would Alessandro give you massages after you have walked around all day and you were sore? Would Alessandro have treated you as good as I treated you, I never cheated, always respected you and your opinions, tried my best to make you feel like a princess and at the end its as simple as you being able to say that you need to figure out how you feel. My heart fucking died that night that she left me there and then she comes back the next morning and everything is okay? Then the night in spain, her lack of understanding of the usage and history of the word she used. I was surrounded by two white kids who think it is okay to say "ni**a" in certain contexts because it matters what you mean more than what you say. And the fact that I know they both aren't racist makes it okay for them to use a word with a history longer than any book and a legacy that could never be explained or contained in any sort of literature. I just couldn't do it anymore, I had been hurt by everything that had already happened and now I was reminded of why I ever doubted our relationship in the first place. I just cant do it anymore, I am too tired of having to explain to her every time she has to watch what she says or when she thinks something is cool when it is simply a vestige of colonialism. "Spend a week in the desert in a real BERBER tent and ride a camel" yes sounds great, lets partake in the exploitation of a culture and neocolonialism I am sure all they really is white people parading around their country to experience the "real" Morocco. I am just angry now and that is why these things are being written, but it is not like our relationship was bad, it was great. This is why I still love her, this is why I am sitting here typing all of this out, this is why I am still hurting. She really understood me at a certain level, she nurtured my ridiculous side and allowed me to truly be myself. But she misunderstood me at such a deeper level too, I was never able to really communicate effectively because at the core she doesn't see a problem with white kids wearing dreadlocks, or the peace corps. I guess that is what it came down to, I knew at the core we were very different. I keep telling myself this, the reasons that we are different and how this is what we needed to do, that our relationship had to be over. It is like a mantra to myself, over and over and over, that I made the correct decision by ending our relationship, but sometimes I am not so sure. I loved her so much, more than I have ever loved another person, when she told me jump I would have said how high. How can I move on from that? I have never broken up with someone when I still liked them, this is the most foreign feeling I have ever had. Then all of the awkward situations that are to follow, I am just so happy about how awkward my life is going to be for months. I am sure she wont talk to me again, our friendship is probably over too. I do not know why I ever get involved with anyone, none of my relationships end well, I just end up ruining a great friendship that I would have had. It just hurts so bad right now, as ridiculous as that sounds, it just hurts so much to be in this state right now. I have to come to terms that the person I loved most in the world is now not going to ever talk to me again. How is she going to get her clothes back that I have in my house? When am I going to get paid back for the money she owes me? All of these questions are being tossed around in my mind. This just sucks, I have been in a relationship for a year and now I am supposed to deal with not being in one anymore. I am sure she will move on in a second, she will find some guy or maybe revert to old comforts. How can a girl like her not find someone else, she is beautiful, intelligent, funny, kind, interesting, and so much more. Myself? I am just an angry Arab sophomore stuck in a place at a time in my life where nothing can go right. I am done with relationships, I am done with all of this shit, it is too confusing, it is too hurtful, I cannot deal with this anymore. I should just realize that I am bound to be single the rest of my life and get back to the mentality that I once had of joy in my solitude. Perhaps to lyrics that ring truest are "the world is my oyster, the road is my home, and I know that I'm better off alone"

Does this remind anyone else of something very scary

2007-11-11T16:46:11Z

LA to Map Muslim Areas

Life as juxtaposition

2007-10-03T13:40:42Z

My life seems to come in twos, rather at least everything in it seems to come in twos. Things are going relatively well except for my inability to keep up with the reading in both of my history classes. Sometimes reading that much in one week just doens't seem possible, especially when the material is dry. But then I love those two classes, one more than the other, in fact my Labor History class is by far my favorite one. I am really starting to enjoy living in my house now, it was never bad before but now I am starting to enjoy it. Some nights my two engaged roommates shut there door while my other roommate and his girlfriend shut theirs and it is simply me alone in the house while two happy couples are locked up in their rooms, sometimes the dog is out, she often keeps me company. I also got two rats recently, they are two male albino rats, they are very cute but I have not had enough time to sit around and play with them, they are still deathly afraid of me and everytime I try to pick them up they grab the cage walls with all four paws for dear life and their bodies convulse as if I was leading them to their untimely death. Life in general has been going okay also, it is an interesting change living by myself or as a person with out his significant other after eight months being together. It is not all bad actually, there are some things that are nice about being alone, I have been a loner most of my life and so I kind of like being alone sometimes. Sometimes it is nice just to have to think about yourself, not having to worry about any one else, it also is nice to have to really figure out who you are individually instead of who I am as a pair with some one else. In the same right there are plenty of things I miss too, sleeping in a warm bed, someone to do ridiculous things with, someone to talk with that really understands me. But we have always had a good understanding of each other which makes it easier when she is not around. I do not have to feel guilty if I do not constantly think about her, I do not have to feel smothered by her when she is around, I do not have to feel a certain way about anything really, it is a nice comforting thing. I guess there is more to say but I have to shower and get ready for my arabic class, sometimes these entries seem forced, like I do not really want to say them, or they did not come out, but for some reason I feel like I have to write them. I cant really get my mind around that feeling, but what ever, I am going to go talk to my rats and shower.

Nostalgia

2007-09-07T01:54:09Z

The first week of school is almost over and I must admit that I am pleasantly surprised. Surprised at how much I enjoy my classes, surprised at how curling up with a book about the toils of American workers can make me forget about how much I hate this city and everyone in it. I am also surprised that it has almost been two weeks since she left. It seems much longer, it seems like ages since I have seen her last but the reality is its not even been two weeks yet, its only been 10 days. 10 days and I am all ready missing her like crazy, 10 days and I am all ready trying to "move on". Though throughout much of my day I must admit that I do not think about her as much as I thought I would have, I do not let my mind wander in class pining for her. When I am alone things are much different though, when no one is around to share stories with, to make a meal, to sleep next to, that is when I remember her most. I remember exactly a year ago when I had moved to this town, left my life behind, and came here looking for something different and new and being able to move on. I was happy in my solitude, well maybe not happy but I was complacent with it, I did not have friends and spent a lot of time alone but that is what I had grown accustomed to and that was fine for the time being. Then I met her in French class, that girl who stuck out to me amongst the sea of lame kids, the girl that I had some inkling about, that girl that turned me down the first time I asked her out, and that girl who gave me more chances than I deserved. Things changed after we started dating, I really liked her from the beginning much more than I ever let on, I never shared my total feelings because I did not want to scare her away by thinking I was some psycho, I just let time take its course. We spent a ridiculous amount of time together, going to lectures, making each other late to class, talking politics, talking religion, talking about power relations, cultural appropriation, gender equality, and past relationships, we just talked. It was nice, I had found someone that I could share things with, someone I trusted, and ultimately some one I love. But as life often does to me, our time was short lived together as she boarded a plane 10 days ago to leave to Sweden. It was strange really, I behaved poorly for our last week together, I returned to my hermit like mentality, where if I tried to shut off all of my emotions it would be easier to deal with, its a terrible thing to do but highly effective. I had spilled my guts to her twice in the three months prior to her departure and both times she acted in a way that seemed cold and matter of factly. She simply viewed things of thats how it was going to be and we cant do anything about it and it made me feel awful but I accepted it. Then in that last week it seemed the tables had turned, she had become very attached and I was the one becoming colder, now we were both guilty. But the morning she left I popped in that CD she made me shortly after her mother drove her away in the car and sat as the not so familiar burning sensation entered my eyes and I felt tears streaming out the side of them. I then just tried to busy myself to get over the fact she had left, I figured if I was always busy I would not have to think about how much it hurt to have to leave someone I really cared about. Fast forward to now and here I am typing at a work computer spilling my guts out. I still am using the "becoming numb" technique inadvertently to try to deal with this, I am now consciously aware of it and trying to change that. My biggest fear is that I will convince myself that I need no one and tell myself I am over her and then realize all too late that I was never over her and that I ruined the best relationship I ever had. But I wont let that happen, I just have to keep reminding myself not to shut her out, not to try to cope with things that way, that we can work through this time apart. After all she is the girl that I trust with anything and everything, the girl that I spent all that time watching that awful TV show with to make feel better, the girl that I am willing to put my study abroad dreams on hold for, which must mean the girl I love. Sometimes I feel that maybe I am better off alone or that if I tried hard enough I could get over her but I know that is just a coping mechanism and I know I must overcome that. Right now I miss her terribly and that is the way I hope it stays, in all the pain, sorrow, and hurt of her absence I feel that will keep us together upon her return.

protestingrab @ 2007-08-27T12:25:00

2007-08-27T17:25:42Z

She left this morning, she gave me two books and a cd, I gave her nothing. I hope this feeling passes

Life in the balance

2007-07-27T20:33:37Z

Sometimes I shudder at my behavior, actually I guess I should say often I shudder at my behavior especially in retrospect. I cannot imagine what I was like 6 months ago stuck in the past, while trying to move on. I did move on eventually and it is wonderful though I shake my head when I think about how often I spoke about past events at that time, hopefully that wont be reverted back to. Lately our relationship has been tougher than normal. Not because either one of us doesn't want to put forth the effort, it just seems like there is very little uplifting things that happen while we are together. For the past month if not more there has been an overhanging cloud of sadness surrounding everything, not either of our faults, it is just there. Circumstances beyond our control really, none of us would have ever wished for this to happen it just has and we have to work past it. I really do care about her and want to do everything that I can to help see her through this. I have not minded the appointments, driving, running various errands, allotting time to just lay around and relax, I have even started to stomach the Gilmore Girls television show though I will not go as far as saying I enjoy it...yet. I try my best to accept things as they come which has always been hard for me and I try not to be disappointed when things do not go according to plan for us. Sometimes it is a little disheartening when we have planned something out and I have high spirits about it and then it doesn't happen, or she isn't feeling her greatest. I do not know if I could tell her about this because I do not want her to feel bad for ruining anything because she really hasn't. I suppose if she was consciously doing something to ruin all of these plans than I could be angry at her but I know she is not and that is what makes it more difficult. I suppose it is because I would like to be angry at something,for making me change my plans but that is ridiculous. I am often in this state where rationally I know how I feel does not make any sense and should not bother with it, but emotionally I cannot help feeling that way. Perhaps I am a little angry or bothered by what has happened but I guess I am hesitant to say that because I do not want it to be mistaken for me wanting to end the relationship or me being angry at her for something she hasn't even done. I guess I really just needed to vent this out to words instead of to a human being. Sometimes its nice to be able to say something to a computer because you know that it cannot respond and judge you on your feelings. We still have plenty of time together though, we have a trip to Bemidji and then two (hopefully) fun-filled weeks in Portland. The current buzz is that she might not be going to Sweden which I am sorry for but I also cannot deny feeling a little happy about it simply because htat means we will have more time together. I really cannot wait until she is back to her healthy and ridiculous self. I also cannot wait to hopefully get my apartment for the fall taken by somebody so I can rest easy knowing that I will be living comfortably among friends that I am slowly getting to know better. Though right now I feel a little uneasy there is a lot that I want to happen for things to become very very very well though at the same time when something is hanging in the balance it could also become worse than it is now. But I do not want to think about that now because perhaps if I wish hard enough, everything will turn out better.

protestingrab @ 2007-07-17T18:34:00

2007-07-17T23:45:16Z

Summer has been interesting...She always tells me when I say something/some one is "interesting" she knows that I have something wrong with it. This summer is nothing like I imagined it would have been. Then again nothing in my life has ever turned out as I have hoped for it to be so I suppose I should start accepting that. At the beginning of the summer I was hoping for late nights, ridiculousness and generally just spending time together. Every night that I can remember other than a handful have ended in going to sleep before midnight. Work has completely destroyed any hope of ever spending an entire night awake together just wasting the time away and for the few nights that there has been that possibility some circumstance out of our control always steals it away from us. We finally worked it out so that we would both have a day off together and I hoped that tonight we would be able to stay up all night and run around the city all night, sitting on the docks, biking/walking through the parks. Spending it just us two...but of course it did not work out that way. She has come down with a cold and has too many things weighing down on her, too many stressful events and circumstances that also seem to put her in a less than happy mood. I wish that I could comfort her but that has never been an ability of mine, and it makes it harder when I know so little and cannot relate in anyway to the little that I do know. Summer has been spectacular though, even with all its shortcommings. I have learned so much about myself and learned so much about another person, which is always the greatest thing in the world. I have learned about my likes and dislikes, my belief structures, and my compatibility with other people. Even though nothing ever goes according to plan I still cannot say that I wish I would not have been here for the summer. I cannot imagine this summer with out her, the good and the bad, and I cannot imagine what the next semester/year will be like with out her but I suppose I will live on just as she will live on. I always wonder if we will stay in contact over the time she is away and if we do if we will get back together once she comes back. It is so hard to say since I have a skewed viewpoint now because I cannot imagine my life without her at this moment in time. I am excited for the things that lie ahead of us, and of course a little nervous too, I love making friends (which doens't happen too often) and always am scared of losing them (which seems to happen more often)

Royksopp, Cultural Appropriation, and a Good Mood

2007-07-02T02:42:54Z

In the dead of the night you seem closer to me
The next day I wake up and know how unreal it is
Feeling so tense like I'm caught in a corner
You can't speak but I hear you calling
I come back for you

I've been dead to the world and I've chosen to be
Inside under pillows with marvels and wonders
Sedating my will to exist in the open
I don't move but I keep on moving
I'm only with you

I have been learning to appreciate the time we have together more. We both discuss taking days off from work so that we can just lay around together, go to the arboretum, just simply be together. Now with summer 1/3 of the way done the reality of her departure weighs heavier and heavier but I feel I am slowly dealing with it better. I went with her to a friends house, then to a cafe show, then to another friends house to watch the fireworks before we slept together in the clam bed (which I have now dismantled) None of those things I really wanted to do but I decided to just to see how they turned out. I tried to stay positive and gregarious with mild success but I feel accomplished, I feel that I did something that I am normally not able to do and that is just go with the flow, and not get my underwear in a not when things don't go according to a plan that I have laid out in my head. The roommate cookout also went better than I thought it would have gone, at least the beginning when there were not an overwhelming amount of people there. Later in the evening I was not able to conduct myself as well, I looked at the large crowd gathered around the grill, hanging on various parts of the porch, and knew that I did not belong there. Too many people that need a lesson in cultural appropriation, too many white kids with dreadlocks or reggae shirts that do not understand the significance of either. Oblivious to the Mau Mau rebellion, life of the disenfranchised blacks, the writings of Marcus Garvey, and the list goes on and on. Now of course I do not know all of these things either but I am not running around with dreadlocks in my hair because I like weed and Bob Marley's "Legend" album. Anyways I should stop ranting and just accept the good mood I am currently in right now. Things are good at this moment in time, I suppose thats what I must dwell on, the little victories over my insecurities and mood swings. So right now things are good, I miss her terribly and might not get to see her tonight, but it has been a good day and I am looking forward to spending time with her tomorrow.

Some nights worry me about the future

2007-06-26T20:40:20Z

When ever I am alone it makes me think of the future. Rather it makes me think of the future or the past which ever one is worrying me more and lately it has been the future. I get an uneasy feeling, sometimes I get sick to my stomach when thinking about it, its fairly pathetic I suppose, I shouldn't be this stupid but I cannot help it. The past year was not that spectacular for me, I really did not make any good friends, some aquantinces but no one that I would call up to hang out really. I just met one person and she is very special to me and now I am spending most of my time with her. I have spent so much time with her that I really cannot imagine what I am going to do when she is away for an entire semester and most likely an entire year. I can picture what my next year will be, I will be living alone in my studio, I will go to class, go to work, and spend most of my free time laying around my studio apartment wishing that I could find something to do with anybody really. I will probably spend most of my time missing her miserably while she is away making new friends and having a wealth of new expirences. I do not blame her for any of it, I suppose the former sentence sounded condecending but that is not what I wanted it to sound like at all. I guess I just become so comfortable with one thing and then hate for it to change. I like where we are now, I like knowing how I feel about her and how she feels about me and I am scared to lose that certainty, the one thing I know for sure right now. It is pointless to say we will stay together over that year she is gone, in fact I am pretty sure we will not. Not because I want to move on, in fact I probably will not find anyone in that years time since I have a hard time meeting people and especially people that I like, but because I am sure she will find some one better than me where she is going or at least change so much in that year that we will no longer be able to have the relationship we have now, and relationships that are based on something that happend in the past do not work out. I guess I am just scared, as I was laying there next to her last night wide awake while she was sleeping I just thought "This is all that I am looking for", its all that I want nothing more nothing less and now I have to except the reality that everything I have worked for will end abruptly one day in August as she leaves on a plane across the atlantic and I stay right here in this town where I do not belong. Somedays I am able to forget about this and simply enjoy the time we are spending together and then other times it consumes me, I am unable to forget it, I am unable to stop thinking about it. I guess the simple fact is Je s'aime plus que je pense qe je peut aimer une autre person and the fact that I will lose that scares me, makes me feel uneasy, and leaves me feeling like I have just gotten punched in the stomach. I suppose since I cannot do anything to stop it I should simply enjoy the precious moments we have left. I will call her after work today, I hope she is not to busy/tired to do anything but even so, simply having her lay down next to me is all that I need for a perfect night

protestingrab @ 2007-06-17T22:08:00

2007-06-18T04:12:34Z

Woman I know you understand
The little child inside the man,
Please remember my life is in your hands,
And woman hold me close to your heart,
However, distant don't keep us apart,

I love the fact that life still can surprise me, I am sure when the point comes in life when I can no longer be surprised by it I will cease my desire to live. I thought this weekend would not be a good one, I am shy, and uncomfortable around people that I do not know/have little in common with. But I sucked it up and the wedding turned out well. The car trip down was okay, nothing to spectacular, I kept thinking about cultural reappropriation while the three white kids in the car enjoyed gangster rap music. But as soon as we arrived at the church my mind was on other things. At first I was very nervous, all four of us just sat in the car while it was raining outside, none of us budging, as if there was some invisible force crushing all of us or holding us back. We finally decided to get up and made our way into the church. After a brief period of standing around at which I got to meet the other two brothers who I have heard so much about we were ushered to our seats. The third or fourth row from the front, it was surprising really, none of us were important, only two had been invited, me and one other were simply "and guests" Before the ceremony started I and two others spent the time reading the book of Deuteronomy in the bibles that were sitting in front of us. It is so interesting to think at one time period people followed that stuff word for word, believing that God would have punished them had they not followed it. The ceremony was as nice as a wedding could have been, overtly religious which is no surprise, it was like listening to a Muslim wedding in english with some of the names changed. Everyone was dressed so nicely, so many different hair colors, skirt/dress colors, tie and suit colors, so many different people dressed in so many different ways and arranged in so many different ways also that it was very intriguing. During the ceremony I pretty much was staring in the same place the entire time, I was astounded by how beautiful she looked. The long flowing purple dress that curled and flowed all the way down past her feet and over the floor, the way her hair was curled and bobby pinned up in a fashion that I had never seen before. To use a cliche term we she absolutely breath taking, it was as if nothing else existed in the room for a brief moment, all the colors and people all disappeared, all the anxiety and things going through my mind just stopped, the entire world had stopped spinning for the moment when I first saw her stand up in profile, able to take it all in, it was overwhelming in the best way possible. After meeting her mother for the first time and saying the line that I had practiced in my head so many times over the past few days as to make sure that it would be impossible for me to screw it up. It went well, aside from the fact I was asked what I wanted to do with my degree/with my life. The one question I hate the most because I have no answer and than feel like I have to justify my interest and my invested time to the person asking the question simply because "I don't care, I just like International Studies" is never satisfying to anyone. The reception started off as I would have expected it to but as the night progressed and more and more alcohol was consumed in secret the night got better. I was swamped coming out of the mens room by 1 aunt and 2 cousins who talk like they are truly from the Midwest (1,000 miles per minute) and had so many things to say all at once that I could not even respond to any of them and spent the time smiling and nodding and attempting to understand what each of them was saying. The entire night I was hesitant and worried about the dance that I new was imminent, the one thing that I am even worse at than meeting people but I just decided to get over it (with a little help from the rum and soda I had been consuming to the dismay of some and the great pleasure of others). The wedding party and significant others couple dance was extremely awkward, being one of possibly 10 people dancing while everybody else started like I was some kind of wild animal in a zoo, but like everything else through out that evening I survived. Once the awkward couples dance was out of the way and more alcohol was consumed/had kicked in the dancing really took off, for me anyways, I enjoyed every moment of it. So many random dance partners, an elongated slow dance with an Aunt from Chicago, and quite possibly my favorite song of the night "You Sexy Thing" which entailed a long dance with laughter and happiness as both of us truly enjoyed the song. After finishing the night of drunken dancing we eventually made our way to the Hotel, the group minus 1 and myself went out to the bars at 1:30 in the morning while I just went back to the room to crash. I was pleasently awoken as she crawled into bed next to me, I was half asleep and could not carry any sort of conversation but the return to the familiar cuddling which has been absent for the past few days was more than I could have ever asked for. Simply having her in my arms during the night, though I am not conciouss of it at that moment, is the most comforting feeling in the world, I hated sharing a bed in the past, but wrapping my arms around her beautifully shaped body and feeling her pressed against me leaves me with a euphoric feeling of security and must be the closest thing to emotional perfection that I have ever felt. The morning was hectic, a lack of sleep mixed with confusion and anxiety led me to make a horribly stupid decision. I wish I could reverse it right now, why did I not stay when I was invited? Why do I always feel like I am intruding or that I should not be around people even when they try to convince me otherwise? I am so stupid, I am so sorry. We have such little time left together before she departs and I should be cherishing every second of it, not wasting it because I feel intrusive or shy. I wanted nothing more than to spend the next two days with her but for some reason my mouth kept saying "no". I felt like I did not belong there, surely her family wanted to spend time with all their relatives that they very rarely get to see. Surely they would rather spend that time together instead of catering to their daughters awkward boyfriend whom they have known for only one night. I do not know why that mattered to me though, I should not let that stand in the way of me wanting to be with her. I tried to call her to apologize for my stupidity, I was want to scream it over and over "I am sorry, I am sorry, I am such an idiot" but she did not pick up her phone, perhaps I will try calling again after I finish writing this. I really just want to hear her voice tonight, even if it is simply on the phone. I truly want to be next to her right now, I will surely regrett this decision for a long time to come. The car ride back was very interesting, I got to know both people I drove back with much better, one more than the other. He is somebody from the past, some one that I had felt awkward around and based on the way we had interacted he had felt the same way around me. We always spoke to each other in formalities, there was never really any tone of understanding nor a remote sense of friendship between us. We got a long much better after being in a car together for 9 hours today, he is a decent person, I do not know if we would will ever really be friends, as in the kind that call each other up to hang out, I doubt it, but I am no longer severely uncomfortable around him which I feel is a large accomplishment for me. As for right now I am sitting in my room alone, the drive is over, the trip is over, it was a great weekend and due to my stupidity it has ended earlier than it needed to be. I hope she is at least having fun with out, she is very independent which is great, I know she has fun even when I am not around (hopefully not more fun than when I am around) and I hope tonight is the same. I wish I could just apologize to her and tell her that I miss her sometimes I worry myself due to the bad choices that I make. I am worried that I will ruin things because of my shyness and awkwardness, I really hope that I dont. I hope that I do not cause this part of my life to end any earlier than it has to end. I hope that my decision does not cause any long lasting damage. I hope so many things, I wish I could talk to her right now since she is the only one who could confirm or deny these feelings that I have...

A brief reminder of the past

2007-06-15T16:18:05Z

I just found this map online, it was strange to look at it, all those circles in such a tiny country. Each circle the pain and suffering of a family, each circle an individual that was killed, it is easy to forget about people when they become statistics. Over 1,000 civilians died, so what? that is not that much? But that is 1,000 individuals, perhaps friends I will never have, neighbors I will never know, people I will never be able to share a cup of coffee and stories with. Its strange really, perhaps I wouldn't have met any of them in my life time, perhaps I would have, but courtesy of the IDF I will never meet any of those people, just a numbers on a page in some website or history book, that is all they have become to the world.

Things I want to do right now

2007-06-09T19:49:05Z

1. Eat a decent meal in the first time in 2 days, plain pasta and plain rice just doesn't cut it sometimes
2. Quit my job, since I get shitty pay coupled with shitty hours: 8 hours, 4 days in a row, with sunday night being 3-11 and then monday morning 8-4, meaning that i get to come home from work, sleep right away so that I can wake up to go to work again.
3. Buy a colorful skirt, pick up someone special to me, trip on mushrooms, and bike down a secluded path in the woods, just the two of us
4. Take a long nap, since no matter how long I sleep it never seems like enough, maybe its the dread of going to work that makes my mind/body so exhausted
5. Buy a quart of vegan ice cream, cookies and cream kind from the Turtle Mountain brand, and enjoy it while I'm tripping in my colorful skirt in the woods
6. I suppose I could've added this to the second one, but walk into the managers office with a cartful of dirty dishes, scream "Fuck you I quit", and topple all the nasty, dirty, disgusting pans onto the floor of his office and then storm out after ranting about how "you cant treat the working class this way" or something along the lines
7.Be able to enjoy this beautiful day, instead of spending it locked in a windowless basement with an annoying pig-headed co-worker and a giant dish machine.

7 Things I wont get to do, not now anyways, maybe not ever for some of them. Really most of all I just want to hear that familiar laugh, see that same beautiful face I have seen day after day and listen to her tell me how her weekend was...no mushrooms needed.

-Oh yes, happy birthday to me

Some days are better than others

2007-06-06T20:20:55Z

Probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me is realizing that there is no justice in the world. I remember being a idealistic pacifist at 14 years old. Attending peace vigil after peace vigil, believing in a world that some day would be absent of violence, terror, and injustice. I always looked at my father in dismay and disgust, wondering why he was so disillusioned, wondering why he never wanted to attend the weekly vigils next to the sundial right in the heart of my conservative town. As the years pass I change more and more, I am no longer a pacifist, I no longer accept that change will come about in todays society through non-violent means. I no longer believe that there is any justice in the world, no where, the rich get richer off the exploitation of the lower classes, the blacks, chicanos, and latinos are all continually marginalized in our society often blamed for "crime" and "stealing jobs" while the Arabs are rapidly becoming the new ethnic group to despise in some sort of sick trend that is sweeping across america with the ultimate irony of calling the Arabs "White". White? filling out a job application I was surprised by this, a few years ago we weren't even dignified enough to have our own category, I was not white, black, native american/inuit, or an asian/pacific islander. Often times I would fill in other if possible and write in Arab, which led to a long drawn out argument at the Department of Motor Vehicles, or trying to pick the best fitting category I would choose "Asian/Pacific Islander" justifying it to myself by claiming all the Arab countries are actually technically in Asia and plus it was always fun to see people's faces when they expected to see a Chinese person and in walks a light skinned Arab boy. Anyways on a recent job application they had White (European, Middle Eastern), now aside from the obvious Eurocentric trouble of calling the entire region "The Middle East" how the fuck are the Arabs now white? Granted there are arabs that have lighter skin, such as myself, but what about the millions of others that have the dark brown tone. What about the fact that the Arabs are not currently nor ever have been treated as White's in America society. It was always okay in cartoons to have the adulterous Arab sultan that kept hundreds of Harem, in his giant castle, always okay to make the Arabs the terrorists in the movie, bent on killing all the jews and bringing down the united states. The racists remarks of "sand-nigger", "camel jockey", and "towel/rag head" were always met with laughs in any social circle because they were some how okay. But I digress from my original point, there is no justice in the world. Yesterday marked the 40 year anniversary of the 6 days war in which Israel pre-emptively attacked the Arab states and led to the illegal seizure and eventual settlement of Gaza, Jerusalem, and the West Bank. The video above is in Hebron, a hell on earth for every palestinian that lives there. A place where the native-arabs are routinely harassed, killed, beaten, shot, stoned, etc. by the invading zionist settlers. While the mindless drones of the new SS, aka the colonial israeli army, at best do nothing and at worst partake in the orgy of death and destruction. That settler in the video is the best example of what goes on in Hebron, the woman with the camera is behind a cage that she was forced to build around her house to protect her from the zionist fucks in the area that are bent on ethnically cleansing Hebron of all Arabs. There is no justice in the world, if there was that lady would be dealt with accordingly. People could sit and argue about "and eye for an eye makes the world blinder...etc etc" but there is no other way to deal with these people. How do you deal with a colonial regieme that has institutionalized the system of Aparthied for the 20th century, killing, maiming, and slaughtering, leaving no one and nothing sacred, not even children (see the children killed in Gaza 2 days ago and the family killed in none other than Hebron today). There is no other way with these people, the only way the occupying regimes understand is in blood, that is the cold hard truth. So I have no idea where that leaves me, a politically conscious, underrepresented minority, sitting in his room in America blogging about the problems of the world but doing nothing to pro-actively change them. Perhaps my time in this country has come to a close, perhaps it is time for me to leave this place, this country, this mentality.

the joy of life

2007-05-30T00:45:33Z

Many things have happened since my last entry. The propagandhi concert was most excellent, I still cant believe I got to be up against the stage to watch my favorite band perform. A night of moshing, fist pounding, and head banging left me shirtless and dripping with my own sweat away from the group I came with at the front of the stage but it was all worth it. In the end I shook Todd's hand (bassist for Propagandhi) and said "you guys are the best" to which he smiled and nodded, I'm sure he didn't hear what I said, my ears were ringing beyond belief I can only imagine what his ears were like. The short trip around Milwaukee was mildly entertaining, I am not much of a city person, and it was getting late, I just wanted to get some rest. The Arabic restaurant was fine and meeting the waiter "Abdullah" was a nice break from the middle class white image that made up the majority of the conert-goers. Post-concert life has kind of just been a lull, work, sleep, hang out, and repeat. Some nights are better than others, some nights are filled with anxiety, sitting quietly in a large group of people I do not know never speaking a word. Counting the minutes in my head and wondering why I decided to partake. Feeling the cool breeze off the lake while I sit on the terrace lost in my own thoughts while alcohol induced conversations about highschool, parties, and small towns in northern Minnesota fill the atmosphere around me. Other nights are more than I could ever ask for, simply wasting time on the porch with my newly befriended housemates, laughing, drinking coffee, smoking hookah, and playing with the dog. Humid summer nights that I have come to love so much for the memories that they induce, memories of a place far away, a place where my roots are, a place I belong. Nights are always wonderful when the same face I have seen night after night arrives. A simple exchange of kisses and "i've missed you" are always a sign of a wonderful night in store. Walks in the park with a group of people that lead to finnally being able to spend some time alone in what always seems like an eternity no matter how short the time span has actually been. Music and dancing, the long awaited and always wonderful expression of emotions and desires which can sometimes lead to embarassment and anxiety for a short amount of time but it never seems to last. Lying on a futon mattress with the frame broken on both ends, skin touching skin, lightly whispering to each other our fears, hopes, and wishes, exchanging stories and feelings beyond a reasonable time to get any sleep as the light tapping of the laptop keyboard comes from the kitchen as to remind us that the real world is out there and staying up all night everynight simply wasting time in each others arms is not an option. Yes some nights remind me of how happy I can be, remind me that as terrible as the world is you can sometimes find refuge from the horror inside the late night/early morning conversation with some one you care about. Some nights my mind doesn't shake and shift, some nights I am at peace, some nights remind me simply what a joy it is to be alive

protestingrab @ 2007-05-23T09:24:00

2007-05-23T14:55:01Z

Wathcing these videos puts me in a surreal lull. I recall taking a taxi down the streets outside the camp many times before. My cousins house is just a short walk from where the mot intense battle within lebanon since the civil war is taking place. One can only wonder what these people are going through, what the Palestinian refugees who know no other life besides that of the camp are feeling, thinking, wishing right now. The old lady in the backseat of the car makes me shudder everytime I hear her voice. Her words echo in my heart and drown out everyting else, "Irhamunah, Irhamunah" its a simple request really, "Have mercy on us" one that I do not know will ever be fulfilled. It is a hard conflict to analyze really, who is Fatah Al-Islam?, who do they have ties to?, why are they in Northern Lebanon?, what is the goal of their organization? All of these are questions that need to be answered but that is for another time, right now I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. I just want this shit to end, I just want to be able to walk down the road by the Mediterranian like I have done so many times before, I want to sit on the balcony on those humid Lebanese nights, playing cards, sharing stories, and drinking coffee. I want to be able to go back to my rightful place, I want to get in contact with who I am and where I came from. I want this to be over, why cant that ladies request be fulfilled..."Irhamunah, Irhamunah"

Up and down and up and down and up and down and up.....

2007-05-16T19:08:35Z

Well my finals finally finished yesterday which was a big plus. Three finals in two days all which I did better on than I thought I would, or at least I feel I did decent on them. It is strange to think that right now I am on summer vacation. There are so many things I want to do this summer, trips I want to take, people I want to spend time with, places I want to lay and relax. Perhaps canoe around the lake for an entire day, take a trip to the only National Park in the state, ride a tandem bicycle, enjoy the warm summer nights sitting outside on my porch with a hookah, in my Abeyah, with a deck of cards, arabic coffee on hand, laughing and staying up until the wee hours of the morning. I always make big intricate plans in my mind days/weeks/months ahead of when things actually are going to happen, it is something I wish I didn't do since its probably be better to live day by day but it is hard to do. My mind has been troubling me lately, I have been having bad mental mood swings, I do not know why. They haven't been lasting too long which is good, nothing like in the past. I will never forget weeks at a time, I just wasn't myself, staying up late nights, sleeping all day long, not mentally there in school, never talkative, it was always like a storm that would pass over eventually but was really drawn out. It hasn't been like that for a while, first semester had its share of bad days but this last semester was good. I found some one new, I enjoyed my classes, the weather began to warm up, things seemed good, I am sure that helps with my mental state. Lately things have not been so calm in my mind, mood swings up and down only in a matter of minutes, triggered by so many things. Why am I so troubled by our collective pasts? Why is my mind so unsteady? Why is it that she tells me over and over again and yet I am not put at ease? Normal people dont think this way, normal people have normal feelings, normal people dont sit around and go through thousands of mood swings and thousands of things in their head all in a matter of minutes. I never wanted to be normal, as a young child I never knew I was different from anyone, thought I was like all the other kids in white suburbia, with every year that passes I realize how different I am from everyone else that I know and that makes me happy but this is one circumstance I wish I was the same. Other people are so easily pleased, other people can accept things that are obviously true and told to them 1,000 times, other people just aren't crazy. I have been thinking about a major difference of ours, how we spent our time in high school in our respective home towns. I guess I never thought much about how I really did not have many/any friends back in my home town during those years. How I spent so much of my time in my room sitting around, reading about politics, hating everyone I went to school with, hating my family, wanting to escape...what a dichotomy to her life. It is fine, none of things we dont have in common bother me, these are just random thoughts and statements right now. I just hope things turn out well, I hope I do not ruin things, I feel like things are finally going well for me, I feel like we work well together. Most of all though I hope my mind settles down again, I hope these short mood swings don't develop into a larger problem like they have in the past. I guess I will have to work my hardest to make sure that doesn't happen...but its hard to when all I can think of is Elle me manque beaucoup maintenant.

Nagging perhaps

2007-05-03T05:42:46Z

The immigrants rights rally was wonderful. Marching down the street with 2,000+ people attempting to chant in spanish is a great way to spend an afternoon. It was my first May Day celebration ever, the first time that I have ever celebrated international workers day, and the first time I have done any labor oriented protest since my awakening to the labor movement just a short time ago. Things have been going well lately, just trying to buckle down and finish off the semester, hopefully my classes will end well. Things are good otherwise, waiting to get my assigned plot for the summer garden, attempting to organize the student workers at my job, and just enjoying the time I have left before someone special leaves to Sweden. It is hard not to think of the future when there is this constant looming reminder that the time you have is limited and things you have grown accustom to or used to are going to change. It is hard not to live day by day when you are in an atmosphere that constantly nags you about your future and reminds you that you have to have a career, lots of money, the picture perfect wife, the dog, the large family, the two cars, and the house with the picket fence that runs all the way around. It is hard not to think of the future when you realize that someone you truly care about will not be a part of that future, at least for a significant amount of time. I am off on an tangent though, I should not be worrying about all this shit now, at least not when there is a whole summer to spend time, lay around, play games, tell stories, attend parties, and just be together. There is a nagging feeling though, I feel that we both have pasts that constantly tug and nag at us. Her more than myself, there is always that constant reminder, it is always a part of activities. I know that it shouldn't bother me of course when I think about it rationally I do not care about it but the fact remains that I am not nor have I ever been a rational creature. I never thought about it until more of the situation was revealed through an exchange of stories. The hurt that took place (at least how I imagined it would hurt), what made her feel cold to the world, and the hardest one for me to swallow the fact that they both still have feelings for each other but know it will never work out. I know I should not be this ridiculous, I just cannot help it sometimes. I realize that if a different situation, a return to the past, brings her happiness that is what is best for her and ultimately best for me. There is just an uneasiness since I do not want things to fall apart, I told myself not to care about another person like this, I didn't want things to be like this, they just are this way, and I am very happy that they are that way but I must admit that it also makes things harder. When you have something valuable it is harder to lose it than something you care not about. I am sure that there is nothing to worry about, and even if there was, I have no right to feel this way; but I simply cant help it. I just needed to type this all out now to get it off my chest before I go sit down to do homework. She will return in a bit, tipsy no doubt, and we will curl up and go to sleep in her tiny warm bed. That is how I envision things ending, that would be the perfect ending to this night...

PROPAGANDHI

2007-04-25T00:53:47Z

PROPAGANDHI, THE GREATEST (CURRENT) PUNK BAND IN THE WORLD WILL BE PERFORMING IN MILWAUKEE MAY 24TH, TICKETS ARE ONLY $12. I MUST GO AND SOME ONE MUST COME WITH ME

Blah

2007-04-24T21:43:27Z

I do not know why I dont feel good today. Maybe it is the rainy weather, maybe it is because I have a boat load of homework, maybe its because I haven't seen my significant other today. She left in a hurry this morning after sleeping over, I didn't get to say goodbye, just a quick kiss as I was leaving for history class this morning and then I was gone. One day shouldn't be that big of a deal, I mean I remember telling myself not to get attached to her, because ultimately getting attached to people just leads to bad things I guess I just cant help it though. I smile so much around her, we have a lot of fun together, we talk about many different things. Sometimes it amazes me how much I seem to miss her when she is not around, its kind of pathetic, but I cant really help it. My mind just isn't in a good state today, I have to leave for work in about 10 minutes also and then tonight I must stay up all night to write a paper on land utilization in the Peruvian Rainforest. So I am not sure how tonight will end, I am not sure how tomorrow will be, it is my roommates birthday party. All I want to do tonight is to lay down in that small bed in the corner of her room like we have done so many other nights. Lay down next to her, running my hand up and down her like I always do. Just exchange words, stories, experiences in French, Arabic, and English while we listen to the soft rain tap against her window. I will see her tomorrow in class, perhaps we can spend a little bit of our afternoon together, I have to work again tomorrow though and she has to write a paper. Thursday we will probably attend the bitter harvest lecture series together. It will be nice to see her again because as of right now Walahi Bi'shtalah

protestingrab @ 2007-04-08T13:26:00

2007-04-08T19:02:36Z

We have been spending ridiculous amounts of time together. I cannot remember the last time I slept alone at night. I cant remember the last time I didn't wake up and look over to hear her lightly snoring, wearing that same adorable face that she does every time that she is asleep. I cant remember the last time I felt this happy. I do not know why things work out between us, we are fairly different people. I am ridiculous, insane, and obsessed with the news, she loves to dance, loves to make ridiculous sounds, and always gives Hummers the middle finger when she sees them(that is one thing that we have in common, our distaste for Hummers). She makes me laugh, she makes me act like I am 4 years old again, she lets me be a little kid, we joke around all the time, we disgust our friends, we are crazy. We are both obsessive compulsive, we both sort candy by number and color before eating it, she always fiddles with her bangs when she thinks no one is looking, I always pick fuzz/hair off of things. She calls me "cutie" all the time, or "Mohammy", "Mohomo", and other things I cant remember at the moment. She is stronger than I am, and she knows it. Many things have ended with me getting a swift punch in the stomach because she was displeased, she always threatens to "fuck me up", we have short little 10 minute arguments that get resolved right away, things just work. I do not know what will happen over the next few months, I do not know where I will be, I do not know where she will be. As much as I worry about things though I think this time I am not going to. Even if things just abruptly end when she leaves I think I will still be happy knowing that for one crazy semester we spent this time together.

Madison Antiwar

2007-03-24T23:10:33Z

Last week monday following a discussion put on by the Campus Antiwar Network we decided to take State street for an impromptu demonstration. Here is the video of it, that is me in the front with the bullhorn leading the chants. It was a good night, we got on the front page of the shitty conservative student paper and got the word out there about our group

For your chanting pleasure

2007-03-19T02:37:40Z

My voice is completely lost, I cannot speak another word right now. It was a good weekend, I feel in place at antiwar rallies, I feel like I am in my habitat. Hopefully there will come a time when I will not have to get on an uncomfortable bus for 19 hours to tell the fuck heads in D.C. to end a pointless war. Hopefully someday there will be no need for an antiwar demonstration, and war will be a strange word in our vocabulary but until that day here are some chants that we used this weekend.

War and Occupation will never bring Liberation, thats BULLSHIT, get off it, this war is for profit!

Hey Bush what do you say? How many kids did you kill today?

1. We are the students 2. A little bit louder 3. We're here to stop this racist war now

The Students United will NEVER be defeated!

What do we want? TROOPS OUT! When do we want it? NOW!

Hey congress what are you for if you cant stop this fucking war?

Blacks, Latinos, Arabs, Asians, and Whites, No racist war, no more no more, defend our civil rights!

Free Free Palestine (Free Free Palestine) Long Live Palestine (Long Live Palestine) Long Live the Intifadah (Long live the Intifadah) Intifadah! Intifadah! (Intifadah! Intifadah!)

We support war resistors, they're our brothers, they're our sisters!

Money for jobs and education NOT for War and Occupation!

Hey Bush you cant hide, we'll charge you with Genocide!

Not one more nickel, not one more dime, we wont pay for Bush's Crimes!

No blood for Oil, U.S. out of Iraqi soil!

I marched with the students from all over the U.S. that make up the various groups in the Campus Antiwar Network. I was at the front of the line, held a banner for hours, I froze, I am sore, I have lost my voice, and I am happy. I do not know if we made a difference, I do not know if we will stop this war, I do not think the upper-class who are in congress will listen. Even if they don't listen to us and least the world hasn't changed me. At least I am not apathetic, at least I am not a college kid that only cares about getting drunk every Saturday, what kind of clothes he wears, and his stupid materialistic girl friend. All I know is that I will continue to do this, I will continue to be in the antiwar movement until the American Empire stops attacking all the countries around the world. I will continue working to build a viable antiwar movement that will become a group of people that not only end war but make our society a better place. This movement is not only to stop the war, that is the immediate goal, after these racist wars are over it will be time to fix society. American culture/government/society needs fixing, and it will be the same people in the antiwar movement who stopped this racist system of imperialism. I do not know I am rambling now, I guess when I saw all those people this weekend it gave me some hope. Hope that we can stop this shit, hope we can fix this world, hope for a better future...something as simple as hope...but right now that's all we got

Uneasy

2007-03-14T16:36:12Z

Things that I buy and things that I think
Haven't made this a better place to be
Drugs that I try and drinks that I drink
Haven't made this a better place to be

Lately I have felt fairly uneasy about things. I do not know why that is, its just this creeping feeling in my head that is uneasy. Things should be good, I have a fairly good time/life here in this town but it's all so uneasy. I suppose it just all seems so delicate, I feel like one little thing could go wrong and everything will fall apart and I do not know where that will leave me. I have always hated uncertainy, it is my biggest problem that and my mind never stops thinking of bad things. I do not know why I feel so uneasy around one specific person, well I do know why I feel uneasy but its ridiculous. I have the same thought/feeling in my head over and over again and I know it is completely unfounded and I know that if I was ever to act on it, it would make things fall apart, I'm almost sure it would make things fall apart. If it was a role reversal I would be angry if someone told me what I am thinking now, I would find it offensive and unfounded. But that still doesn't change the fact that is how I feel. I also had a strange epiphany last night, it was 2 a.m., we were walking back to her house, talking about the past, talking about past relationships and how our exes and us have poor friendships now. In my shitty french I mumbled out "je pense que ma dernier petite-amie est meilleure maintenant parce que je ne suis pas dans sa vie" I suppose I really do feel that way. If that is the truth I truly hate it, I wish we could be over this period of not speaking, I wish I could have my best friend back. Though I suppose I never will, perhaps things are best this way in retrospect for that year we were on and off all I did was hold her back and make her feel like crap so maybe its best she doesn't talk to me anymore. And maybe if she never talked to me again it would be for the better. I hope I am wrong, I hope things will work out for the better, but I have never been an optimist. Just seeing a collapsed relationship work out as a good friendship makes me feel uneasy, fills my head with things I should not say, makes me feel in ways I should not feel. I do not know what is wrong with me, probably some chemical imbalance in my brain, strange how something like that can completely alter your life. Then again maybe there is nothing wrong with me, maybe I have just convinced myself of it. I do not know what it is but this town has got me down, hopefully this weekend at the Pentagon will make things better, perhaps not. I guess it just feels like there is a looming disaster ahead and I cant prevent it so I will just have to wait and see what happens and what falls apart...

I broke rule #1

2007-03-06T16:50:10Z

So I made a big mistake last night, I often make mistakes but this one is pretty signifigant. I let the crazy out, its really as simple as that. I talked for no one knows how long, laying down in the pitch black room. I do not know why, I suppose you can only hold something in for so long before it will force itself out. She now knows a little bit about my insanity, witnessed my mood swings, has heard about my shitty first semester. I confessed that I think about what will happen in the next few months leading up to next semester. I do not know what will happen, I do not know why I talk about things I have no control over, I do not know why I care...I guess that is really it, that is the way to solve this problem, I just wont care anymore. I dont care what happens by this summer, I dont care that she will be gone next semester, and possibly for the whole next year...I dont care. I dont care what happens, I have survived without her, I have survived with her, anything that happens I will just be fine. I know I am okay alone, I have learned to live with and like my solitude. I do not mind being a loner, I have grown accustom to it, so I do not care what happens. If this lasts forever that fine, If it falls apart next week, thats also fine, I just dont care. I do not know if it is a bad thing that I feel this way, its not like I want things to turn out badly, I just dont care whether they do or not. I feel kinda blah today, it was bound to happen, I have been on a high note for a long time, its about time that I came down from it. Up and down that is how my emotions work, always balancing themselves out, it may take awhile on one or the other but in the end it always changes, and they are always even again. I guess I am just a pessimist, I know everything will eventually end no matter how much I dont want it to, or how much I love it, or w/e. So I have decided not to care, I dont care if it ends, I would like it to continue but if not I'll survive...

Need to discover

2007-03-01T23:12:59Z

After listening to a friend of mine rant after our African History discussion section today my mind wont stop thinking. He is a 26 year old black male, and during lecture today the guest professor made a statement about all Rastafarian's being pot-heads. This (rightfully) angered my friend but he decided not to say anything, after discussion section today he was ranting and raving. My T.A., who is a Tuareg i.e. a tribe from southern Algeria, well she is first generation, she was born in Kansas her parents moved to America seeking political asylum. She also has a true African outlook on African issues, me being a first generation Arab can only listen to the conversation in hopes of learning from them. It made me think a lot, my friend was outraged by this middle class white male telling him what to think about black culture and specifically perpetuating a lie about it. My T.A. piped in saying she has the same exact feelings and sentiments though she has to remain "professional" and could not really say anything about it. She says she waits until 9:00 and gets on her phone when the minutes are free and bitches uncontrollably. They were going on about the control of knowledge, who is in power, how they relay that knowledge, who gets to control it. They also talked critically of white grad students who go to Africa, discussing how they have a "white" experience in Africa, not a truly African experience. It made me think a lot about myself, there is a man in the Campus Antiwar Network that is very interested in the Arab cause, he wears a Keffiyeh, flys the Lebanese and Palestinian flags, and spouts rhetoric all the time about Arabs and Muslims and how they are marginalized and the victims of racism in this country. Though all of this is true, he gets on my nerves. I just want to yell to him, look you middle-class white boy, leave my fucking culture alone, DO NOT wear the symbol of the Arabs (Keffiyeh), DO NOT talk about the Lebanese political crisis as if you know anything about it, STOP trying to be an Arab. I know he means well it just bothers me, he has no perspective on Arab problems, he just reads stuff online, or written by other middle class white Leninists and adopts that doctrine. Those feelings make me think how I am viewed by others, how did the Anishnabek people view me when I stayed with them one week in Canada, what do Latinos and African American's think when I talk about their struggle against oppression. What do African American's think of a light skinned Arab talking about the illegal repression of the Black Panther party by the US Gov't. Can I support these things, or will I never have a real understanding of them. I always wanted to go to Africa and do some relief work, spend some time in any country understanding the people and their history, but will I only have a "non African" experience? I know too little about myself, about my heritage, I am Lebanese...that is it. I do not know how to read and write in Arabic, my knowledge of the Middle East has come from various sources many of which being non-Arab. I feel I must need to get back in touch with my true identity, I have previously rebelled against it because I hated living at home, I saw it as an extension of my parents repression. After coming to college and seeing so many people trying to be something I realized the only thing I had to hold on to was my true identity as a Lebanese person. I have always identified with white Americans because that is who I have been surrounded by my entire life. I now realize I need to learn about my heritage, learn about my culture, learn about my history. The language I speak is not my own, I speak English and I am learning French, both were languages of people who conquered and oppressed the Arabs. I need to learn Arabic, I need to rediscover who I am. I feel sort of sick right now, like I have been living a lie most of my life, like I never really knew who I was until now. This has many implications...I guess I will see where it takes me