I to only post things when my life is going badly or when i am in a negative mood which is unfortunate but I suppose that is because these are the times when I most need to write something out. I feel horrifically ill right now, it is a combination of the booze from last night and emotional pain. She is back in town, why didn't she return my two e-mails? Why cant she give me the dignity of a final e-mail telling me her thoughts and feelings and telling me that she needs a little time before she can talk to me, is that really too much for me to ask? When we broke up in Spain I forgot about this feeling that was bound to come afterwards. I woke up this morning and realized she was back in the country and was hopeful that she would have e-mailed me back and realized that she never sent me a reply. I felt angry, I felt helpless, I felt sad, I dont want our relationship to be the end of our friendship, I never wanted to hurt her, I never wanted any of this negativity. How come when she decided our relationship was over and felt it nessicary to leave her guest for one night to go out on a date our relationship can be honky doory, and we can continue being friends while she runs around with another man. How come when the tables of turned and I tell her honestly how I am feeling and attempt to talk to her she just shuts me out and has to be so cold and want to cut her life from me. I am not the one that fucking ran around with another god damn person while we were supposed to be having our trip together. I hid how I actually felt from her because of how much it hurt so bad, I understand that after all of the uncertainty that preceded our trip our relationship couldn't go back to being exactly the same. But does that mean that she should leave me one night to go to a fucking club with some guy and then go back to his house not to return in the morning. My heart broke that night, not the night she told me it was over, or the night she told me that she liked another guy already, but the night she left me, her friend, sitting alone in her room all night wondering where she was or what was happening and leaving my imagination to run wild in regards to what could be going on. Then she expects everything to be absolutely fine when she has decided that I am better than her italian fling, oh well how wonderful for me that I can play the game of backup for her when she decides to run off with another guy and then her infatuation proves to be unfounded. I was never able to tell her how I really felt, we had an entire trip planned out until september, I spent all of the fucking money that I had saved up to travel half way across the fucking world. I do not have the luxury of having parents that are able to give me money every month throughout the period that I go to school, she never understood my class background. I always thought the trip was worth it, I got to see much more of the world but I was never able to deal with the emotional pain that came with the three weeks of traveling. Now here I am at 6:30 in the fucking morning spilling my guts out to a computer because no one wants to hear my shit anymore, I have talked to a few people about the very basic parts of the problem but was never able to tell people how I really truly felt. What hurt most was that she had moved on so quickly and then compounded it by talking about it all the fucking time, how could I possibly have done anything else but to say that I understand and want to help her figure it out. I was also hurt that she would leave me, her guest, for a night alone in her house after I had gone out of my way to much of a financial burden to come visit her. "I know I never told you how I felt but you could never understand the blues that you have dealt me." She claims she did things differently then when her ex boyfriend left her for another girl, oh really, why? Because you took the time to "be honest with me and tell me about" well what the FUCK?!?!? How do you think that makes it okay or less hurtful? Just because she was honest with me about her feelings that doesn't mean it any easier for me to see her getting all giddy and drooling over some fucking guy I have never met, nor can I ever meet. Would Alessandro go to all of your doctor appointments with you? Would Alessandro give you massages after you have walked around all day and you were sore? Would Alessandro have treated you as good as I treated you, I never cheated, always respected you and your opinions, tried my best to make you feel like a princess and at the end its as simple as you being able to say that you need to figure out how you feel. My heart fucking died that night that she left me there and then she comes back the next morning and everything is okay? Then the night in spain, her lack of understanding of the usage and history of the word she used. I was surrounded by two white kids who think it is okay to say "ni**a" in certain contexts because it matters what you mean more than what you say. And the fact that I know they both aren't racist makes it okay for them to use a word with a history longer than any book and a legacy that could never be explained or contained in any sort of literature. I just couldn't do it anymore, I had been hurt by everything that had already happened and now I was reminded of why I ever doubted our relationship in the first place. I just cant do it anymore, I am too tired of having to explain to her every time she has to watch what she says or when she thinks something is cool when it is simply a vestige of colonialism. "Spend a week in the desert in a real BERBER tent and ride a camel" yes sounds great, lets partake in the exploitation of a culture and neocolonialism I am sure all they really is white people parading around their country to experience the "real" Morocco. I am just angry now and that is why these things are being written, but it is not like our relationship was bad, it was great. This is why I still love her, this is why I am sitting here typing all of this out, this is why I am still hurting. She really understood me at a certain level, she nurtured my ridiculous side and allowed me to truly be myself. But she misunderstood me at such a deeper level too, I was never able to really communicate effectively because at the core she doesn't see a problem with white kids wearing dreadlocks, or the peace corps. I guess that is what it came down to, I knew at the core we were very different. I keep telling myself this, the reasons that we are different and how this is what we needed to do, that our relationship had to be over. It is like a mantra to myself, over and over and over, that I made the correct decision by ending our relationship, but sometimes I am not so sure. I loved her so much, more than I have ever loved another person, when she told me jump I would have said how high. How can I move on from that? I have never broken up with someone when I still liked them, this is the most foreign feeling I have ever had. Then all of the awkward situations that are to follow, I am just so happy about how awkward my life is going to be for months. I am sure she wont talk to me again, our friendship is probably over too. I do not know why I ever get involved with anyone, none of my relationships end well, I just end up ruining a great friendship that I would have had. It just hurts so bad right now, as ridiculous as that sounds, it just hurts so much to be in this state right now. I have to come to terms that the person I loved most in the world is now not going to ever talk to me again. How is she going to get her clothes back that I have in my house? When am I going to get paid back for the money she owes me? All of these questions are being tossed around in my mind. This just sucks, I have been in a relationship for a year and now I am supposed to deal with not being in one anymore. I am sure she will move on in a second, she will find some guy or maybe revert to old comforts. How can a girl like her not find someone else, she is beautiful, intelligent, funny, kind, interesting, and so much more. Myself? I am just an angry Arab sophomore stuck in a place at a time in my life where nothing can go right. I am done with relationships, I am done with all of this shit, it is too confusing, it is too hurtful, I cannot deal with this anymore. I should just realize that I am bound to be single the rest of my life and get back to the mentality that I once had of joy in my solitude. Perhaps to lyrics that ring truest are "the world is my oyster, the road is my home, and I know that I'm better off alone"
My life seems to come in twos, rather at least everything in it seems to come in twos. Things are going relatively well except for my inability to keep up with the reading in both of my history classes. Sometimes reading that much in one week just doens't seem possible, especially when the material is dry. But then I love those two classes, one more than the other, in fact my Labor History class is by far my favorite one. I am really starting to enjoy living in my house now, it was never bad before but now I am starting to enjoy it. Some nights my two engaged roommates shut there door while my other roommate and his girlfriend shut theirs and it is simply me alone in the house while two happy couples are locked up in their rooms, sometimes the dog is out, she often keeps me company. I also got two rats recently, they are two male albino rats, they are very cute but I have not had enough time to sit around and play with them, they are still deathly afraid of me and everytime I try to pick them up they grab the cage walls with all four paws for dear life and their bodies convulse as if I was leading them to their untimely death. Life in general has been going okay also, it is an interesting change living by myself or as a person with out his significant other after eight months being together. It is not all bad actually, there are some things that are nice about being alone, I have been a loner most of my life and so I kind of like being alone sometimes. Sometimes it is nice just to have to think about yourself, not having to worry about any one else, it also is nice to have to really figure out who you are individually instead of who I am as a pair with some one else. In the same right there are plenty of things I miss too, sleeping in a warm bed, someone to do ridiculous things with, someone to talk with that really understands me. But we have always had a good understanding of each other which makes it easier when she is not around. I do not have to feel guilty if I do not constantly think about her, I do not have to feel smothered by her when she is around, I do not have to feel a certain way about anything really, it is a nice comforting thing. I guess there is more to say but I have to shower and get ready for my arabic class, sometimes these entries seem forced, like I do not really want to say them, or they did not come out, but for some reason I feel like I have to write them. I cant really get my mind around that feeling, but what ever, I am going to go talk to my rats and shower.
The first week of school is almost over and I must admit that I am pleasantly surprised. Surprised at how much I enjoy my classes, surprised at how curling up with a book about the toils of American workers can make me forget about how much I hate this city and everyone in it. I am also surprised that it has almost been two weeks since she left. It seems much longer, it seems like ages since I have seen her last but the reality is its not even been two weeks yet, its only been 10 days. 10 days and I am all ready missing her like crazy, 10 days and I am all ready trying to "move on". Though throughout much of my day I must admit that I do not think about her as much as I thought I would have, I do not let my mind wander in class pining for her. When I am alone things are much different though, when no one is around to share stories with, to make a meal, to sleep next to, that is when I remember her most. I remember exactly a year ago when I had moved to this town, left my life behind, and came here looking for something different and new and being able to move on. I was happy in my solitude, well maybe not happy but I was complacent with it, I did not have friends and spent a lot of time alone but that is what I had grown accustomed to and that was fine for the time being. Then I met her in French class, that girl who stuck out to me amongst the sea of lame kids, the girl that I had some inkling about, that girl that turned me down the first time I asked her out, and that girl who gave me more chances than I deserved. Things changed after we started dating, I really liked her from the beginning much more than I ever let on, I never shared my total feelings because I did not want to scare her away by thinking I was some psycho, I just let time take its course. We spent a ridiculous amount of time together, going to lectures, making each other late to class, talking politics, talking religion, talking about power relations, cultural appropriation, gender equality, and past relationships, we just talked. It was nice, I had found someone that I could share things with, someone I trusted, and ultimately some one I love. But as life often does to me, our time was short lived together as she boarded a plane 10 days ago to leave to Sweden. It was strange really, I behaved poorly for our last week together, I returned to my hermit like mentality, where if I tried to shut off all of my emotions it would be easier to deal with, its a terrible thing to do but highly effective. I had spilled my guts to her twice in the three months prior to her departure and both times she acted in a way that seemed cold and matter of factly. She simply viewed things of thats how it was going to be and we cant do anything about it and it made me feel awful but I accepted it. Then in that last week it seemed the tables had turned, she had become very attached and I was the one becoming colder, now we were both guilty. But the morning she left I popped in that CD she made me shortly after her mother drove her away in the car and sat as the not so familiar burning sensation entered my eyes and I felt tears streaming out the side of them. I then just tried to busy myself to get over the fact she had left, I figured if I was always busy I would not have to think about how much it hurt to have to leave someone I really cared about. Fast forward to now and here I am typing at a work computer spilling my guts out. I still am using the "becoming numb" technique inadvertently to try to deal with this, I am now consciously aware of it and trying to change that. My biggest fear is that I will convince myself that I need no one and tell myself I am over her and then realize all too late that I was never over her and that I ruined the best relationship I ever had. But I wont let that happen, I just have to keep reminding myself not to shut her out, not to try to cope with things that way, that we can work through this time apart. After all she is the girl that I trust with anything and everything, the girl that I spent all that time watching that awful TV show with to make feel better, the girl that I am willing to put my study abroad dreams on hold for, which must mean the girl I love. Sometimes I feel that maybe I am better off alone or that if I tried hard enough I could get over her but I know that is just a coping mechanism and I know I must overcome that. Right now I miss her terribly and that is the way I hope it stays, in all the pain, sorrow, and hurt of her absence I feel that will keep us together upon her return.
Sometimes I shudder at my behavior, actually I guess I should say often I shudder at my behavior especially in retrospect. I cannot imagine what I was like 6 months ago stuck in the past, while trying to move on. I did move on eventually and it is wonderful though I shake my head when I think about how often I spoke about past events at that time, hopefully that wont be reverted back to. Lately our relationship has been tougher than normal. Not because either one of us doesn't want to put forth the effort, it just seems like there is very little uplifting things that happen while we are together. For the past month if not more there has been an overhanging cloud of sadness surrounding everything, not either of our faults, it is just there. Circumstances beyond our control really, none of us would have ever wished for this to happen it just has and we have to work past it. I really do care about her and want to do everything that I can to help see her through this. I have not minded the appointments, driving, running various errands, allotting time to just lay around and relax, I have even started to stomach the Gilmore Girls television show though I will not go as far as saying I enjoy it...yet. I try my best to accept things as they come which has always been hard for me and I try not to be disappointed when things do not go according to plan for us. Sometimes it is a little disheartening when we have planned something out and I have high spirits about it and then it doesn't happen, or she isn't feeling her greatest. I do not know if I could tell her about this because I do not want her to feel bad for ruining anything because she really hasn't. I suppose if she was consciously doing something to ruin all of these plans than I could be angry at her but I know she is not and that is what makes it more difficult. I suppose it is because I would like to be angry at something,for making me change my plans but that is ridiculous. I am often in this state where rationally I know how I feel does not make any sense and should not bother with it, but emotionally I cannot help feeling that way. Perhaps I am a little angry or bothered by what has happened but I guess I am hesitant to say that because I do not want it to be mistaken for me wanting to end the relationship or me being angry at her for something she hasn't even done. I guess I really just needed to vent this out to words instead of to a human being. Sometimes its nice to be able to say something to a computer because you know that it cannot respond and judge you on your feelings. We still have plenty of time together though, we have a trip to Bemidji and then two (hopefully) fun-filled weeks in Portland. The current buzz is that she might not be going to Sweden which I am sorry for but I also cannot deny feeling a little happy about it simply because htat means we will have more time together. I really cannot wait until she is back to her healthy and ridiculous self. I also cannot wait to hopefully get my apartment for the fall taken by somebody so I can rest easy knowing that I will be living comfortably among friends that I am slowly getting to know better. Though right now I feel a little uneasy there is a lot that I want to happen for things to become very very very well though at the same time when something is hanging in the balance it could also become worse than it is now. But I do not want to think about that now because perhaps if I wish hard enough, everything will turn out better.
Summer has been interesting...She always tells me when I say something/some one is "interesting" she knows that I have something wrong with it. This summer is nothing like I imagined it would have been. Then again nothing in my life has ever turned out as I have hoped for it to be so I suppose I should start accepting that. At the beginning of the summer I was hoping for late nights, ridiculousness and generally just spending time together. Every night that I can remember other than a handful have ended in going to sleep before midnight. Work has completely destroyed any hope of ever spending an entire night awake together just wasting the time away and for the few nights that there has been that possibility some circumstance out of our control always steals it away from us. We finally worked it out so that we would both have a day off together and I hoped that tonight we would be able to stay up all night and run around the city all night, sitting on the docks, biking/walking through the parks. Spending it just us two...but of course it did not work out that way. She has come down with a cold and has too many things weighing down on her, too many stressful events and circumstances that also seem to put her in a less than happy mood. I wish that I could comfort her but that has never been an ability of mine, and it makes it harder when I know so little and cannot relate in anyway to the little that I do know. Summer has been spectacular though, even with all its shortcommings. I have learned so much about myself and learned so much about another person, which is always the greatest thing in the world. I have learned about my likes and dislikes, my belief structures, and my compatibility with other people. Even though nothing ever goes according to plan I still cannot say that I wish I would not have been here for the summer. I cannot imagine this summer with out her, the good and the bad, and I cannot imagine what the next semester/year will be like with out her but I suppose I will live on just as she will live on. I always wonder if we will stay in contact over the time she is away and if we do if we will get back together once she comes back. It is so hard to say since I have a skewed viewpoint now because I cannot imagine my life without her at this moment in time. I am excited for the things that lie ahead of us, and of course a little nervous too, I love making friends (which doens't happen too often) and always am scared of losing them (which seems to happen more often)
In the dead of the night you seem closer to me The next day I wake up and know how unreal it is Feeling so tense like I'm caught in a corner You can't speak but I hear you calling I come back for you
I've been dead to the world and I've chosen to be Inside under pillows with marvels and wonders Sedating my will to exist in the open I don't move but I keep on moving I'm only with you
I have been learning to appreciate the time we have together more. We both discuss taking days off from work so that we can just lay around together, go to the arboretum, just simply be together. Now with summer 1/3 of the way done the reality of her departure weighs heavier and heavier but I feel I am slowly dealing with it better. I went with her to a friends house, then to a cafe show, then to another friends house to watch the fireworks before we slept together in the clam bed (which I have now dismantled) None of those things I really wanted to do but I decided to just to see how they turned out. I tried to stay positive and gregarious with mild success but I feel accomplished, I feel that I did something that I am normally not able to do and that is just go with the flow, and not get my underwear in a not when things don't go according to a plan that I have laid out in my head. The roommate cookout also went better than I thought it would have gone, at least the beginning when there were not an overwhelming amount of people there. Later in the evening I was not able to conduct myself as well, I looked at the large crowd gathered around the grill, hanging on various parts of the porch, and knew that I did not belong there. Too many people that need a lesson in cultural appropriation, too many white kids with dreadlocks or reggae shirts that do not understand the significance of either. Oblivious to the Mau Mau rebellion, life of the disenfranchised blacks, the writings of Marcus Garvey, and the list goes on and on. Now of course I do not know all of these things either but I am not running around with dreadlocks in my hair because I like weed and Bob Marley's "Legend" album. Anyways I should stop ranting and just accept the good mood I am currently in right now. Things are good at this moment in time, I suppose thats what I must dwell on, the little victories over my insecurities and mood swings. So right now things are good, I miss her terribly and might not get to see her tonight, but it has been a good day and I am looking forward to spending time with her tomorrow.
When ever I am alone it makes me think of the future. Rather it makes me think of the future or the past which ever one is worrying me more and lately it has been the future. I get an uneasy feeling, sometimes I get sick to my stomach when thinking about it, its fairly pathetic I suppose, I shouldn't be this stupid but I cannot help it. The past year was not that spectacular for me, I really did not make any good friends, some aquantinces but no one that I would call up to hang out really. I just met one person and she is very special to me and now I am spending most of my time with her. I have spent so much time with her that I really cannot imagine what I am going to do when she is away for an entire semester and most likely an entire year. I can picture what my next year will be, I will be living alone in my studio, I will go to class, go to work, and spend most of my free time laying around my studio apartment wishing that I could find something to do with anybody really. I will probably spend most of my time missing her miserably while she is away making new friends and having a wealth of new expirences. I do not blame her for any of it, I suppose the former sentence sounded condecending but that is not what I wanted it to sound like at all. I guess I just become so comfortable with one thing and then hate for it to change. I like where we are now, I like knowing how I feel about her and how she feels about me and I am scared to lose that certainty, the one thing I know for sure right now. It is pointless to say we will stay together over that year she is gone, in fact I am pretty sure we will not. Not because I want to move on, in fact I probably will not find anyone in that years time since I have a hard time meeting people and especially people that I like, but because I am sure she will find some one better than me where she is going or at least change so much in that year that we will no longer be able to have the relationship we have now, and relationships that are based on something that happend in the past do not work out. I guess I am just scared, as I was laying there next to her last night wide awake while she was sleeping I just thought "This is all that I am looking for", its all that I want nothing more nothing less and now I have to except the reality that everything I have worked for will end abruptly one day in August as she leaves on a plane across the atlantic and I stay right here in this town where I do not belong. Somedays I am able to forget about this and simply enjoy the time we are spending together and then other times it consumes me, I am unable to forget it, I am unable to stop thinking about it. I guess the simple fact is Je s'aime plus que je pense qe je peut aimer une autre person and the fact that I will lose that scares me, makes me feel uneasy, and leaves me feeling like I have just gotten punched in the stomach. I suppose since I cannot do anything to stop it I should simply enjoy the precious moments we have left. I will call her after work today, I hope she is not to busy/tired to do anything but even so, simply having her lay down next to me is all that I need for a perfect night
Woman I know you understand The little child inside the man, Please remember my life is in your hands, And woman hold me close to your heart, However, distant don't keep us apart,
I love the fact that life still can surprise me, I am sure when the point comes in life when I can no longer be surprised by it I will cease my desire to live. I thought this weekend would not be a good one, I am shy, and uncomfortable around people that I do not know/have little in common with. But I sucked it up and the wedding turned out well. The car trip down was okay, nothing to spectacular, I kept thinking about cultural reappropriation while the three white kids in the car enjoyed gangster rap music. But as soon as we arrived at the church my mind was on other things. At first I was very nervous, all four of us just sat in the car while it was raining outside, none of us budging, as if there was some invisible force crushing all of us or holding us back. We finally decided to get up and made our way into the church. After a brief period of standing around at which I got to meet the other two brothers who I have heard so much about we were ushered to our seats. The third or fourth row from the front, it was surprising really, none of us were important, only two had been invited, me and one other were simply "and guests" Before the ceremony started I and two others spent the time reading the book of Deuteronomy in the bibles that were sitting in front of us. It is so interesting to think at one time period people followed that stuff word for word, believing that God would have punished them had they not followed it. The ceremony was as nice as a wedding could have been, overtly religious which is no surprise, it was like listening to a Muslim wedding in english with some of the names changed. Everyone was dressed so nicely, so many different hair colors, skirt/dress colors, tie and suit colors, so many different people dressed in so many different ways and arranged in so many different ways also that it was very intriguing. During the ceremony I pretty much was staring in the same place the entire time, I was astounded by how beautiful she looked. The long flowing purple dress that curled and flowed all the way down past her feet and over the floor, the way her hair was curled and bobby pinned up in a fashion that I had never seen before. To use a cliche term we she absolutely breath taking, it was as if nothing else existed in the room for a brief moment, all the colors and people all disappeared, all the anxiety and things going through my mind just stopped, the entire world had stopped spinning for the moment when I first saw her stand up in profile, able to take it all in, it was overwhelming in the best way possible. After meeting her mother for the first time and saying the line that I had practiced in my head so many times over the past few days as to make sure that it would be impossible for me to screw it up. It went well, aside from the fact I was asked what I wanted to do with my degree/with my life. The one question I hate the most because I have no answer and than feel like I have to justify my interest and my invested time to the person asking the question simply because "I don't care, I just like International Studies" is never satisfying to anyone. The reception started off as I would have expected it to but as the night progressed and more and more alcohol was consumed in secret the night got better. I was swamped coming out of the mens room by 1 aunt and 2 cousins who talk like they are truly from the Midwest (1,000 miles per minute) and had so many things to say all at once that I could not even respond to any of them and spent the time smiling and nodding and attempting to understand what each of them was saying. The entire night I was hesitant and worried about the dance that I new was imminent, the one thing that I am even worse at than meeting people but I just decided to get over it (with a little help from the rum and soda I had been consuming to the dismay of some and the great pleasure of others). The wedding party and significant others couple dance was extremely awkward, being one of possibly 10 people dancing while everybody else started like I was some kind of wild animal in a zoo, but like everything else through out that evening I survived. Once the awkward couples dance was out of the way and more alcohol was consumed/had kicked in the dancing really took off, for me anyways, I enjoyed every moment of it. So many random dance partners, an elongated slow dance with an Aunt from Chicago, and quite possibly my favorite song of the night "You Sexy Thing" which entailed a long dance with laughter and happiness as both of us truly enjoyed the song. After finishing the night of drunken dancing we eventually made our way to the Hotel, the group minus 1 and myself went out to the bars at 1:30 in the morning while I just went back to the room to crash. I was pleasently awoken as she crawled into bed next to me, I was half asleep and could not carry any sort of conversation but the return to the familiar cuddling which has been absent for the past few days was more than I could have ever asked for. Simply having her in my arms during the night, though I am not conciouss of it at that moment, is the most comforting feeling in the world, I hated sharing a bed in the past, but wrapping my arms around her beautifully shaped body and feeling her pressed against me leaves me with a euphoric feeling of security and must be the closest thing to emotional perfection that I have ever felt. The morning was hectic, a lack of sleep mixed with confusion and anxiety led me to make a horribly stupid decision. I wish I could reverse it right now, why did I not stay when I was invited? Why do I always feel like I am intruding or that I should not be around people even when they try to convince me otherwise? I am so stupid, I am so sorry. We have such little time left together before she departs and I should be cherishing every second of it, not wasting it because I feel intrusive or shy. I wanted nothing more than to spend the next two days with her but for some reason my mouth kept saying "no". I felt like I did not belong there, surely her family wanted to spend time with all their relatives that they very rarely get to see. Surely they would rather spend that time together instead of catering to their daughters awkward boyfriend whom they have known for only one night. I do not know why that mattered to me though, I should not let that stand in the way of me wanting to be with her. I tried to call her to apologize for my stupidity, I was want to scream it over and over "I am sorry, I am sorry, I am such an idiot" but she did not pick up her phone, perhaps I will try calling again after I finish writing this. I really just want to hear her voice tonight, even if it is simply on the phone. I truly want to be next to her right now, I will surely regrett this decision for a long time to come. The car ride back was very interesting, I got to know both people I drove back with much better, one more than the other. He is somebody from the past, some one that I had felt awkward around and based on the way we had interacted he had felt the same way around me. We always spoke to each other in formalities, there was never really any tone of understanding nor a remote sense of friendship between us. We got a long much better after being in a car together for 9 hours today, he is a decent person, I do not know if we would will ever really be friends, as in the kind that call each other up to hang out, I doubt it, but I am no longer severely uncomfortable around him which I feel is a large accomplishment for me. As for right now I am sitting in my room alone, the drive is over, the trip is over, it was a great weekend and due to my stupidity it has ended earlier than it needed to be. I hope she is at least having fun with out, she is very independent which is great, I know she has fun even when I am not around (hopefully not more fun than when I am around) and I hope tonight is the same. I wish I could just apologize to her and tell her that I miss her sometimes I worry myself due to the bad choices that I make. I am worried that I will ruin things because of my shyness and awkwardness, I really hope that I dont. I hope that I do not cause this part of my life to end any earlier than it has to end. I hope that my decision does not cause any long lasting damage. I hope so many things, I wish I could talk to her right now since she is the only one who could confirm or deny these feelings that I have...
I just found this map online, it was strange to look at it, all those circles in such a tiny country. Each circle the pain and suffering of a family, each circle an individual that was killed, it is easy to forget about people when they become statistics. Over 1,000 civilians died, so what? that is not that much? But that is 1,000 individuals, perhaps friends I will never have, neighbors I will never know, people I will never be able to share a cup of coffee and stories with. Its strange really, perhaps I wouldn't have met any of them in my life time, perhaps I would have, but courtesy of the IDF I will never meet any of those people, just a numbers on a page in some website or history book, that is all they have become to the world.
1. Eat a decent meal in the first time in 2 days, plain pasta and plain rice just doesn't cut it sometimes 2. Quit my job, since I get shitty pay coupled with shitty hours: 8 hours, 4 days in a row, with sunday night being 3-11 and then monday morning 8-4, meaning that i get to come home from work, sleep right away so that I can wake up to go to work again. 3. Buy a colorful skirt, pick up someone special to me, trip on mushrooms, and bike down a secluded path in the woods, just the two of us 4. Take a long nap, since no matter how long I sleep it never seems like enough, maybe its the dread of going to work that makes my mind/body so exhausted 5. Buy a quart of vegan ice cream, cookies and cream kind from the Turtle Mountain brand, and enjoy it while I'm tripping in my colorful skirt in the woods 6. I suppose I could've added this to the second one, but walk into the managers office with a cartful of dirty dishes, scream "Fuck you I quit", and topple all the nasty, dirty, disgusting pans onto the floor of his office and then storm out after ranting about how "you cant treat the working class this way" or something along the lines 7.Be able to enjoy this beautiful day, instead of spending it locked in a windowless basement with an annoying pig-headed co-worker and a giant dish machine.
7 Things I wont get to do, not now anyways, maybe not ever for some of them. Really most of all I just want to hear that familiar laugh, see that same beautiful face I have seen day after day and listen to her tell me how her weekend was...no mushrooms needed.
Probably the worst thing that has ever happened to me is realizing that there is no justice in the world. I remember being a idealistic pacifist at 14 years old. Attending peace vigil after peace vigil, believing in a world that some day would be absent of violence, terror, and injustice. I always looked at my father in dismay and disgust, wondering why he was so disillusioned, wondering why he never wanted to attend the weekly vigils next to the sundial right in the heart of my conservative town. As the years pass I change more and more, I am no longer a pacifist, I no longer accept that change will come about in todays society through non-violent means. I no longer believe that there is any justice in the world, no where, the rich get richer off the exploitation of the lower classes, the blacks, chicanos, and latinos are all continually marginalized in our society often blamed for "crime" and "stealing jobs" while the Arabs are rapidly becoming the new ethnic group to despise in some sort of sick trend that is sweeping across america with the ultimate irony of calling the Arabs "White". White? filling out a job application I was surprised by this, a few years ago we weren't even dignified enough to have our own category, I was not white, black, native american/inuit, or an asian/pacific islander. Often times I would fill in other if possible and write in Arab, which led to a long drawn out argument at the Department of Motor Vehicles, or trying to pick the best fitting category I would choose "Asian/Pacific Islander" justifying it to myself by claiming all the Arab countries are actually technically in Asia and plus it was always fun to see people's faces when they expected to see a Chinese person and in walks a light skinned Arab boy. Anyways on a recent job application they had White (European, Middle Eastern), now aside from the obvious Eurocentric trouble of calling the entire region "The Middle East" how the fuck are the Arabs now white? Granted there are arabs that have lighter skin, such as myself, but what about the millions of others that have the dark brown tone. What about the fact that the Arabs are not currently nor ever have been treated as White's in America society. It was always okay in cartoons to have the adulterous Arab sultan that kept hundreds of Harem, in his giant castle, always okay to make the Arabs the terrorists in the movie, bent on killing all the jews and bringing down the united states. The racists remarks of "sand-nigger", "camel jockey", and "towel/rag head" were always met with laughs in any social circle because they were some how okay. But I digress from my original point, there is no justice in the world. Yesterday marked the 40 year anniversary of the 6 days war in which Israel pre-emptively attacked the Arab states and led to the illegal seizure and eventual settlement of Gaza, Jerusalem, and the West Bank. The video above is in Hebron, a hell on earth for every palestinian that lives there. A place where the native-arabs are routinely harassed, killed, beaten, shot, stoned, etc. by the invading zionist settlers. While the mindless drones of the new SS, aka the colonial israeli army, at best do nothing and at worst partake in the orgy of death and destruction. That settler in the video is the best example of what goes on in Hebron, the woman with the camera is behind a cage that she was forced to build around her house to protect her from the zionist fucks in the area that are bent on ethnically cleansing Hebron of all Arabs. There is no justice in the world, if there was that lady would be dealt with accordingly. People could sit and argue about "and eye for an eye makes the world blinder...etc etc" but there is no other way to deal with these people. How do you deal with a colonial regieme that has institutionalized the system of Aparthied for the 20th century, killing, maiming, and slaughtering, leaving no one and nothing sacred, not even children (see the children killed in Gaza 2 days ago and the family killed in none other than Hebron today). There is no other way with these people, the only way the occupying regimes understand is in blood, that is the cold hard truth. So I have no idea where that leaves me, a politically conscious, underrepresented minority, sitting in his room in America blogging about the problems of the world but doing nothing to pro-actively change them. Perhaps my time in this country has come to a close, perhaps it is time for me to leave this place, this country, this mentality.
Many things have happened since my last entry. The propagandhi concert was most excellent, I still cant believe I got to be up against the stage to watch my favorite band perform. A night of moshing, fist pounding, and head banging left me shirtless and dripping with my own sweat away from the group I came with at the front of the stage but it was all worth it. In the end I shook Todd's hand (bassist for Propagandhi) and said "you guys are the best" to which he smiled and nodded, I'm sure he didn't hear what I said, my ears were ringing beyond belief I can only imagine what his ears were like. The short trip around Milwaukee was mildly entertaining, I am not much of a city person, and it was getting late, I just wanted to get some rest. The Arabic restaurant was fine and meeting the waiter "Abdullah" was a nice break from the middle class white image that made up the majority of the conert-goers. Post-concert life has kind of just been a lull, work, sleep, hang out, and repeat. Some nights are better than others, some nights are filled with anxiety, sitting quietly in a large group of people I do not know never speaking a word. Counting the minutes in my head and wondering why I decided to partake. Feeling the cool breeze off the lake while I sit on the terrace lost in my own thoughts while alcohol induced conversations about highschool, parties, and small towns in northern Minnesota fill the atmosphere around me. Other nights are more than I could ever ask for, simply wasting time on the porch with my newly befriended housemates, laughing, drinking coffee, smoking hookah, and playing with the dog. Humid summer nights that I have come to love so much for the memories that they induce, memories of a place far away, a place where my roots are, a place I belong. Nights are always wonderful when the same face I have seen night after night arrives. A simple exchange of kisses and "i've missed you" are always a sign of a wonderful night in store. Walks in the park with a group of people that lead to finnally being able to spend some time alone in what always seems like an eternity no matter how short the time span has actually been. Music and dancing, the long awaited and always wonderful expression of emotions and desires which can sometimes lead to embarassment and anxiety for a short amount of time but it never seems to last. Lying on a futon mattress with the frame broken on both ends, skin touching skin, lightly whispering to each other our fears, hopes, and wishes, exchanging stories and feelings beyond a reasonable time to get any sleep as the light tapping of the laptop keyboard comes from the kitchen as to remind us that the real world is out there and staying up all night everynight simply wasting time in each others arms is not an option. Yes some nights remind me of how happy I can be, remind me that as terrible as the world is you can sometimes find refuge from the horror inside the late night/early morning conversation with some one you care about. Some nights my mind doesn't shake and shift, some nights I am at peace, some nights remind me simply what a joy it is to be alive
Wathcing these videos puts me in a surreal lull. I recall taking a taxi down the streets outside the camp many times before. My cousins house is just a short walk from where the mot intense battle within lebanon since the civil war is taking place. One can only wonder what these people are going through, what the Palestinian refugees who know no other life besides that of the camp are feeling, thinking, wishing right now. The old lady in the backseat of the car makes me shudder everytime I hear her voice. Her words echo in my heart and drown out everyting else, "Irhamunah, Irhamunah" its a simple request really, "Have mercy on us" one that I do not know will ever be fulfilled. It is a hard conflict to analyze really, who is Fatah Al-Islam?, who do they have ties to?, why are they in Northern Lebanon?, what is the goal of their organization? All of these are questions that need to be answered but that is for another time, right now I am exhausted mentally and emotionally. I just want this shit to end, I just want to be able to walk down the road by the Mediterranian like I have done so many times before, I want to sit on the balcony on those humid Lebanese nights, playing cards, sharing stories, and drinking coffee. I want to be able to go back to my rightful place, I want to get in contact with who I am and where I came from. I want this to be over, why cant that ladies request be fulfilled..."Irhamunah, Irhamunah"
Well my finals finally finished yesterday which was a big plus. Three finals in two days all which I did better on than I thought I would, or at least I feel I did decent on them. It is strange to think that right now I am on summer vacation. There are so many things I want to do this summer, trips I want to take, people I want to spend time with, places I want to lay and relax. Perhaps canoe around the lake for an entire day, take a trip to the only National Park in the state, ride a tandem bicycle, enjoy the warm summer nights sitting outside on my porch with a hookah, in my Abeyah, with a deck of cards, arabic coffee on hand, laughing and staying up until the wee hours of the morning. I always make big intricate plans in my mind days/weeks/months ahead of when things actually are going to happen, it is something I wish I didn't do since its probably be better to live day by day but it is hard to do. My mind has been troubling me lately, I have been having bad mental mood swings, I do not know why. They haven't been lasting too long which is good, nothing like in the past. I will never forget weeks at a time, I just wasn't myself, staying up late nights, sleeping all day long, not mentally there in school, never talkative, it was always like a storm that would pass over eventually but was really drawn out. It hasn't been like that for a while, first semester had its share of bad days but this last semester was good. I found some one new, I enjoyed my classes, the weather began to warm up, things seemed good, I am sure that helps with my mental state. Lately things have not been so calm in my mind, mood swings up and down only in a matter of minutes, triggered by so many things. Why am I so troubled by our collective pasts? Why is my mind so unsteady? Why is it that she tells me over and over again and yet I am not put at ease? Normal people dont think this way, normal people have normal feelings, normal people dont sit around and go through thousands of mood swings and thousands of things in their head all in a matter of minutes. I never wanted to be normal, as a young child I never knew I was different from anyone, thought I was like all the other kids in white suburbia, with every year that passes I realize how different I am from everyone else that I know and that makes me happy but this is one circumstance I wish I was the same. Other people are so easily pleased, other people can accept things that are obviously true and told to them 1,000 times, other people just aren't crazy. I have been thinking about a major difference of ours, how we spent our time in high school in our respective home towns. I guess I never thought much about how I really did not have many/any friends back in my home town during those years. How I spent so much of my time in my room sitting around, reading about politics, hating everyone I went to school with, hating my family, wanting to escape...what a dichotomy to her life. It is fine, none of things we dont have in common bother me, these are just random thoughts and statements right now. I just hope things turn out well, I hope I do not ruin things, I feel like things are finally going well for me, I feel like we work well together. Most of all though I hope my mind settles down again, I hope these short mood swings don't develop into a larger problem like they have in the past. I guess I will have to work my hardest to make sure that doesn't happen...but its hard to when all I can think of is Elle me manque beaucoup maintenant.
The immigrants rights rally was wonderful. Marching down the street with 2,000+ people attempting to chant in spanish is a great way to spend an afternoon. It was my first May Day celebration ever, the first time that I have ever celebrated international workers day, and the first time I have done any labor oriented protest since my awakening to the labor movement just a short time ago. Things have been going well lately, just trying to buckle down and finish off the semester, hopefully my classes will end well. Things are good otherwise, waiting to get my assigned plot for the summer garden, attempting to organize the student workers at my job, and just enjoying the time I have left before someone special leaves to Sweden. It is hard not to think of the future when there is this constant looming reminder that the time you have is limited and things you have grown accustom to or used to are going to change. It is hard not to live day by day when you are in an atmosphere that constantly nags you about your future and reminds you that you have to have a career, lots of money, the picture perfect wife, the dog, the large family, the two cars, and the house with the picket fence that runs all the way around. It is hard not to think of the future when you realize that someone you truly care about will not be a part of that future, at least for a significant amount of time. I am off on an tangent though, I should not be worrying about all this shit now, at least not when there is a whole summer to spend time, lay around, play games, tell stories, attend parties, and just be together. There is a nagging feeling though, I feel that we both have pasts that constantly tug and nag at us. Her more than myself, there is always that constant reminder, it is always a part of activities. I know that it shouldn't bother me of course when I think about it rationally I do not care about it but the fact remains that I am not nor have I ever been a rational creature. I never thought about it until more of the situation was revealed through an exchange of stories. The hurt that took place (at least how I imagined it would hurt), what made her feel cold to the world, and the hardest one for me to swallow the fact that they both still have feelings for each other but know it will never work out. I know I should not be this ridiculous, I just cannot help it sometimes. I realize that if a different situation, a return to the past, brings her happiness that is what is best for her and ultimately best for me. There is just an uneasiness since I do not want things to fall apart, I told myself not to care about another person like this, I didn't want things to be like this, they just are this way, and I am very happy that they are that way but I must admit that it also makes things harder. When you have something valuable it is harder to lose it than something you care not about. I am sure that there is nothing to worry about, and even if there was, I have no right to feel this way; but I simply cant help it. I just needed to type this all out now to get it off my chest before I go sit down to do homework. She will return in a bit, tipsy no doubt, and we will curl up and go to sleep in her tiny warm bed. That is how I envision things ending, that would be the perfect ending to this night...
PROPAGANDHI, THE GREATEST (CURRENT) PUNK BAND IN THE WORLD WILL BE PERFORMING IN MILWAUKEE MAY 24TH, TICKETS ARE ONLY $12. I MUST GO AND SOME ONE MUST COME WITH ME
I do not know why I dont feel good today. Maybe it is the rainy weather, maybe it is because I have a boat load of homework, maybe its because I haven't seen my significant other today. She left in a hurry this morning after sleeping over, I didn't get to say goodbye, just a quick kiss as I was leaving for history class this morning and then I was gone. One day shouldn't be that big of a deal, I mean I remember telling myself not to get attached to her, because ultimately getting attached to people just leads to bad things I guess I just cant help it though. I smile so much around her, we have a lot of fun together, we talk about many different things. Sometimes it amazes me how much I seem to miss her when she is not around, its kind of pathetic, but I cant really help it. My mind just isn't in a good state today, I have to leave for work in about 10 minutes also and then tonight I must stay up all night to write a paper on land utilization in the Peruvian Rainforest. So I am not sure how tonight will end, I am not sure how tomorrow will be, it is my roommates birthday party. All I want to do tonight is to lay down in that small bed in the corner of her room like we have done so many other nights. Lay down next to her, running my hand up and down her like I always do. Just exchange words, stories, experiences in French, Arabic, and English while we listen to the soft rain tap against her window. I will see her tomorrow in class, perhaps we can spend a little bit of our afternoon together, I have to work again tomorrow though and she has to write a paper. Thursday we will probably attend the bitter harvest lecture series together. It will be nice to see her again because as of right now Walahi Bi'shtalah
We have been spending ridiculous amounts of time together. I cannot remember the last time I slept alone at night. I cant remember the last time I didn't wake up and look over to hear her lightly snoring, wearing that same adorable face that she does every time that she is asleep. I cant remember the last time I felt this happy. I do not know why things work out between us, we are fairly different people. I am ridiculous, insane, and obsessed with the news, she loves to dance, loves to make ridiculous sounds, and always gives Hummers the middle finger when she sees them(that is one thing that we have in common, our distaste for Hummers). She makes me laugh, she makes me act like I am 4 years old again, she lets me be a little kid, we joke around all the time, we disgust our friends, we are crazy. We are both obsessive compulsive, we both sort candy by number and color before eating it, she always fiddles with her bangs when she thinks no one is looking, I always pick fuzz/hair off of things. She calls me "cutie" all the time, or "Mohammy", "Mohomo", and other things I cant remember at the moment. She is stronger than I am, and she knows it. Many things have ended with me getting a swift punch in the stomach because she was displeased, she always threatens to "fuck me up", we have short little 10 minute arguments that get resolved right away, things just work. I do not know what will happen over the next few months, I do not know where I will be, I do not know where she will be. As much as I worry about things though I think this time I am not going to. Even if things just abruptly end when she leaves I think I will still be happy knowing that for one crazy semester we spent this time together.
Last week monday following a discussion put on by the Campus Antiwar Network we decided to take State street for an impromptu demonstration. Here is the video of it, that is me in the front with the bullhorn leading the chants. It was a good night, we got on the front page of the shitty conservative student paper and got the word out there about our group
My voice is completely lost, I cannot speak another word right now. It was a good weekend, I feel in place at antiwar rallies, I feel like I am in my habitat. Hopefully there will come a time when I will not have to get on an uncomfortable bus for 19 hours to tell the fuck heads in D.C. to end a pointless war. Hopefully someday there will be no need for an antiwar demonstration, and war will be a strange word in our vocabulary but until that day here are some chants that we used this weekend.
War and Occupation will never bring Liberation, thats BULLSHIT, get off it, this war is for profit!
Hey Bush what do you say? How many kids did you kill today?
1. We are the students 2. A little bit louder 3. We're here to stop this racist war now
The Students United will NEVER be defeated!
What do we want? TROOPS OUT! When do we want it? NOW!
Hey congress what are you for if you cant stop this fucking war?
Blacks, Latinos, Arabs, Asians, and Whites, No racist war, no more no more, defend our civil rights!
Free Free Palestine (Free Free Palestine) Long Live Palestine (Long Live Palestine) Long Live the Intifadah (Long live the Intifadah) Intifadah! Intifadah! (Intifadah! Intifadah!)
We support war resistors, they're our brothers, they're our sisters!
Money for jobs and education NOT for War and Occupation!
Hey Bush you cant hide, we'll charge you with Genocide!
Not one more nickel, not one more dime, we wont pay for Bush's Crimes!
No blood for Oil, U.S. out of Iraqi soil!
I marched with the students from all over the U.S. that make up the various groups in the Campus Antiwar Network. I was at the front of the line, held a banner for hours, I froze, I am sore, I have lost my voice, and I am happy. I do not know if we made a difference, I do not know if we will stop this war, I do not think the upper-class who are in congress will listen. Even if they don't listen to us and least the world hasn't changed me. At least I am not apathetic, at least I am not a college kid that only cares about getting drunk every Saturday, what kind of clothes he wears, and his stupid materialistic girl friend. All I know is that I will continue to do this, I will continue to be in the antiwar movement until the American Empire stops attacking all the countries around the world. I will continue working to build a viable antiwar movement that will become a group of people that not only end war but make our society a better place. This movement is not only to stop the war, that is the immediate goal, after these racist wars are over it will be time to fix society. American culture/government/society needs fixing, and it will be the same people in the antiwar movement who stopped this racist system of imperialism. I do not know I am rambling now, I guess when I saw all those people this weekend it gave me some hope. Hope that we can stop this shit, hope we can fix this world, hope for a better future...something as simple as hope...but right now that's all we got
Things that I buy and things that I think Haven't made this a better place to be Drugs that I try and drinks that I drink Haven't made this a better place to be
Lately I have felt fairly uneasy about things. I do not know why that is, its just this creeping feeling in my head that is uneasy. Things should be good, I have a fairly good time/life here in this town but it's all so uneasy. I suppose it just all seems so delicate, I feel like one little thing could go wrong and everything will fall apart and I do not know where that will leave me. I have always hated uncertainy, it is my biggest problem that and my mind never stops thinking of bad things. I do not know why I feel so uneasy around one specific person, well I do know why I feel uneasy but its ridiculous. I have the same thought/feeling in my head over and over again and I know it is completely unfounded and I know that if I was ever to act on it, it would make things fall apart, I'm almost sure it would make things fall apart. If it was a role reversal I would be angry if someone told me what I am thinking now, I would find it offensive and unfounded. But that still doesn't change the fact that is how I feel. I also had a strange epiphany last night, it was 2 a.m., we were walking back to her house, talking about the past, talking about past relationships and how our exes and us have poor friendships now. In my shitty french I mumbled out "je pense que ma dernier petite-amie est meilleure maintenant parce que je ne suis pas dans sa vie" I suppose I really do feel that way. If that is the truth I truly hate it, I wish we could be over this period of not speaking, I wish I could have my best friend back. Though I suppose I never will, perhaps things are best this way in retrospect for that year we were on and off all I did was hold her back and make her feel like crap so maybe its best she doesn't talk to me anymore. And maybe if she never talked to me again it would be for the better. I hope I am wrong, I hope things will work out for the better, but I have never been an optimist. Just seeing a collapsed relationship work out as a good friendship makes me feel uneasy, fills my head with things I should not say, makes me feel in ways I should not feel. I do not know what is wrong with me, probably some chemical imbalance in my brain, strange how something like that can completely alter your life. Then again maybe there is nothing wrong with me, maybe I have just convinced myself of it. I do not know what it is but this town has got me down, hopefully this weekend at the Pentagon will make things better, perhaps not. I guess it just feels like there is a looming disaster ahead and I cant prevent it so I will just have to wait and see what happens and what falls apart...
So I made a big mistake last night, I often make mistakes but this one is pretty signifigant. I let the crazy out, its really as simple as that. I talked for no one knows how long, laying down in the pitch black room. I do not know why, I suppose you can only hold something in for so long before it will force itself out. She now knows a little bit about my insanity, witnessed my mood swings, has heard about my shitty first semester. I confessed that I think about what will happen in the next few months leading up to next semester. I do not know what will happen, I do not know why I talk about things I have no control over, I do not know why I care...I guess that is really it, that is the way to solve this problem, I just wont care anymore. I dont care what happens by this summer, I dont care that she will be gone next semester, and possibly for the whole next year...I dont care. I dont care what happens, I have survived without her, I have survived with her, anything that happens I will just be fine. I know I am okay alone, I have learned to live with and like my solitude. I do not mind being a loner, I have grown accustom to it, so I do not care what happens. If this lasts forever that fine, If it falls apart next week, thats also fine, I just dont care. I do not know if it is a bad thing that I feel this way, its not like I want things to turn out badly, I just dont care whether they do or not. I feel kinda blah today, it was bound to happen, I have been on a high note for a long time, its about time that I came down from it. Up and down that is how my emotions work, always balancing themselves out, it may take awhile on one or the other but in the end it always changes, and they are always even again. I guess I am just a pessimist, I know everything will eventually end no matter how much I dont want it to, or how much I love it, or w/e. So I have decided not to care, I dont care if it ends, I would like it to continue but if not I'll survive...
After listening to a friend of mine rant after our African History discussion section today my mind wont stop thinking. He is a 26 year old black male, and during lecture today the guest professor made a statement about all Rastafarian's being pot-heads. This (rightfully) angered my friend but he decided not to say anything, after discussion section today he was ranting and raving. My T.A., who is a Tuareg i.e. a tribe from southern Algeria, well she is first generation, she was born in Kansas her parents moved to America seeking political asylum. She also has a true African outlook on African issues, me being a first generation Arab can only listen to the conversation in hopes of learning from them. It made me think a lot, my friend was outraged by this middle class white male telling him what to think about black culture and specifically perpetuating a lie about it. My T.A. piped in saying she has the same exact feelings and sentiments though she has to remain "professional" and could not really say anything about it. She says she waits until 9:00 and gets on her phone when the minutes are free and bitches uncontrollably. They were going on about the control of knowledge, who is in power, how they relay that knowledge, who gets to control it. They also talked critically of white grad students who go to Africa, discussing how they have a "white" experience in Africa, not a truly African experience. It made me think a lot about myself, there is a man in the Campus Antiwar Network that is very interested in the Arab cause, he wears a Keffiyeh, flys the Lebanese and Palestinian flags, and spouts rhetoric all the time about Arabs and Muslims and how they are marginalized and the victims of racism in this country. Though all of this is true, he gets on my nerves. I just want to yell to him, look you middle-class white boy, leave my fucking culture alone, DO NOT wear the symbol of the Arabs (Keffiyeh), DO NOT talk about the Lebanese political crisis as if you know anything about it, STOP trying to be an Arab. I know he means well it just bothers me, he has no perspective on Arab problems, he just reads stuff online, or written by other middle class white Leninists and adopts that doctrine. Those feelings make me think how I am viewed by others, how did the Anishnabek people view me when I stayed with them one week in Canada, what do Latinos and African American's think when I talk about their struggle against oppression. What do African American's think of a light skinned Arab talking about the illegal repression of the Black Panther party by the US Gov't. Can I support these things, or will I never have a real understanding of them. I always wanted to go to Africa and do some relief work, spend some time in any country understanding the people and their history, but will I only have a "non African" experience? I know too little about myself, about my heritage, I am Lebanese...that is it. I do not know how to read and write in Arabic, my knowledge of the Middle East has come from various sources many of which being non-Arab. I feel I must need to get back in touch with my true identity, I have previously rebelled against it because I hated living at home, I saw it as an extension of my parents repression. After coming to college and seeing so many people trying to be something I realized the only thing I had to hold on to was my true identity as a Lebanese person. I have always identified with white Americans because that is who I have been surrounded by my entire life. I now realize I need to learn about my heritage, learn about my culture, learn about my history. The language I speak is not my own, I speak English and I am learning French, both were languages of people who conquered and oppressed the Arabs. I need to learn Arabic, I need to rediscover who I am. I feel sort of sick right now, like I have been living a lie most of my life, like I never really knew who I was until now. This has many implications...I guess I will see where it takes me
Okay so I have decided on a new rule for myself. No more worrying about my personal life, its just ridiculous to do. I will now just accept things as they come, I have ruined too many good things by worrying about the future. I also will stop thinking about the past, nothing good ever comes out of that...ever. So my promise to myself is just to accept things day by day, night by night, it has been working well for the past month...I am happy. The weekend went well, I just glided along, accepting everything that happened one thing after the other thing. The Talking Heads cover band (I only caught one song, I got there late), the birthday party, the vegan chili dog, the insomnia, the sleeping in late, the dark chocolate bar and grapefruit juice, meeting friends of a friend, an all vegan potluck, finding another Arab guy who had a similar life to myself, these are all the making of a good weekend. I have been laughing much more, I am smiling a lot, I have found a nice little place in this new town. I must also remind myself not to lose touch with two old friends who moved here with me, I must also remind myself to not lose two old friends who are still back home. I am changing, my personality is different, my lifestyle has changed, I am an activist again, I want to change the world again, I want to end this war...I want to fuck shit up. So no more moping in the past, no more worrying about the future, it is all about living my life day to day, surviving, accepting, and generally gliding along. It is time to get back into the groove of school after a good weekend. Things are generally well, I feel February will end on a good note...
On a completely different note: David Foreman (Co-founder of Earth First!) is a crazy fuck...and not in a good way. He is a conservative piece of shit, sorry to say it but its the truth. He has always self-identified as a republican but I never knew to what extent. He is a pro-war, anti-immigration, free-market piece of filth. I respect his environmental views but honestly how the fuck can one be a pro-war capitalist carnivore and still call themselves an environmentalist...anyone else distressed/pissed off by this?
So after my African History class today I came home and slept for a little over four hours, on and off, waking up to various events, music, a neighboor stopping in, and a friend calling. The important thing though, is the fucked up dream that I had. It involved David Rovics, my highschool french teacher, my African History Professor, my dorm building, an airport, my mother, two african american girls...or were the asian?, a latino american boy, a pakistani friend of mine, a theoretical cinema belonging to the University, two members of the Inernational Socialist Organization, an scantily clad apron, as well as a huge crowd of people. So how do these fit together? Perhaps I should start at the beginning. So all I can remember about the beginning is that I was back home, or at least it was kinda my home different building but I knew I was there. I was in the kitchen of this place with my mom and sister and my mom said that she was leaving to take my sister somewhere, after they left I proceeded to call two girls to invite them to my house, aparently I had a romantic interest in one of them though I do not know who they are supposed to be. So just about as soon as these girls get to my house and we are sitting at the dining room table my mother gets back catching us sitting around, I make some bullshit excuse up in arabic about why they are there my mother says its fine and we all proceed to eat together. Next my mother and these two girls aparently hit it off and decide they are going to watch a bunch of movies together that night but for some reason I had to go somewhere. So I go somewhere and upon returning I am no longer in my house but rather on the floor in the dorm I live in and I know these girls are in the last room on the left, which is my House Fellow's room. I go down there and all there is in the room is my highschool french teacher sitting on a Huge white futon taking up most of the room. She says something about how the girls had left and they should be back later so I decide to leave. Next I am in some class, which really isn't a class room its like my dorm room and then David Rovics is a guest speaker. Twoards the end of the lecture he starts talking about some book he read about drugs, if I remember correctly specifically acid, and proceeds to tell us all why we should all do it which leads to a big debate with some of the kids in the room. Some how something about a Latino kid gets brought up which leads to a wider debeate about race, religion, and language. I comment to David that I have been asked if I speak "islamic" before and how ridiculous it is and how I have never asked anyone if they spoke "christian". He chuckles and we hit it off exiting the room, which ends up to be my room, and we proceed down to the end of the hallway again. Suddenly he enters the room across from the House Fellow's room telling me he wont be long. After waiting around I decide to walk into the room where my former french teacher is and see her and a friend of mine lying down next to eachother on this huge white futon, not in a sexual manner, just lying there. I make some stupid sexual joke and my friend becomes hugely embarassed and scurrys out of the room which leads to a long discussion between this former teacher of mine and I about how innocent of a kid he really is. I comment about how bright the room is and how I can hardly keep my eyes open since the light is so overpower and everything is white, my former teacher acknowledges what I said and then somehow my African History professor shows up. She is wearing an outfit that can only be described as an apron that leaves very little to the imagination. She proceeds to tell me that she is leaving to the airport and I told her I would escort her there she agrees and we start walking back down the hallway which aparently is the way to the airport. Now I look up and noticed that her "apron" is completely undone and she asks me to retie it for her. The apron covers the front and comes across the back and has one strap on the neck and two around the waist. I am embarassed to see my Professor naked from behind but tell her I will try to tie it for her. The straps are made of rubber bands and I have a particularly hard time tying the one around the shoulders because it is a thin piece that has to be stretched and twisted around in some strange way. We get to the end of the hallway, she is still not covered since I still am having a hard time tying this thing on her when she tells me we have to get on the elevator. The elevator only comes every once in a while when a man walks buy and unlocks it. We wait for this to happen and then run into it in an awkward fashion because I am trying to tie this apron over her exposed body while running at the same time. We get in the elevator and get out in this giant theatre filled with students. Even though it is dark everyone can see that my professor is still naked since I have not been able to tie the apron on her. Tons of people start laughing or turning their faces embarrased though my professor seems not to mind. We find a spot in the front of the theatre and once we sit down I am finally able to tie the damn apron on her. Once I do that she tells me something in french and I respond that I did not understand. She says it again in lamens-terms french and it is something along the lines of "you did not do that gently enough" After this I realize I am sitting down next to a girl from the ISO and behind a guy from the ISO. They seem overly excited to see me and are talking to me about something or other and the movie finally ends. After the movie ends this door at the front of the theatre (where the exits are usually located) opens up and my professor and I walk through it and get into a taxi to go to the airport. She leaves me with taxi fair to get back home and then I wake up...
So I have all three of my midterms today, yeah its definitely not cool. I have French, followed directly by Geography, and then tonight Econ. So I am starting to feel a little better about my Geography final, its all about the history of the conservation movement in America. Last night I got no studying done, I do not know why I thought that I would. I spent time at a friends house, nothing ever gets done there, its just impossible. That is okay though, I did not care, I enjoyed the night, 4 hours of sleep seems plenty for the night before midterms...right? Right now I say that it doesn't matter, I enjoyed the night, I am in a good mood, so that is all that matters. I am sure in 12 hours once all of my tests are over and I have gotten F's on all of them I will be singing a different tune. I cannot wait until this semester is over, well at least my Econ class, I do not know why someone in a Global Security major needs to take Economics, as long as I have a general understanding of it that is all that should matter, not that I can calculate what country in a theoretical world has comparative advantage in good X and how much better they will be by opening up to trade with another country who has comparative advantage in good Y. I like my other classes tho, I really like African History, Africa is so intriguing, so many things have gone on in that continent and continue to go on, I wish I knew everything about it. I should stop writing this entry and go continue to study for my midterms, I have my french midterm in 1.5 hours and then my geography midterm an hour after that. Last night was a goodnight, today is a good day, once these tests are over I will be in much better shape. I cannot wait for warm weather, and for a possible trip to see my sister over spring break. So many things I want to do, but right now all I can do is wait...
I'm okay if you get me at a good angle And you're okay in the sort of light And we don't look like pages from a magazine But that's all right
I am not a handsome person, I am not good looking, I know I will never be in a magazine or look like someone who is in a magazine. I am full of imperfections and I love it, I love the imperfections in all the other people I meet. "Pretty" is so...boring, there are too many "pretty" people on this campus, I like to call them cookie cutter girls because it looks like they were all cut out of exactly the same mold. The people I spend time with aren't "pretty" in that sense, though I would consider them beautiful. I do not know why I am thinking of beauty, I suppose its because the word has been brought up lately. Everyone I know has different imperfections in them, certain defining features, certain personality traits, all these little things that set them apart from everyone; which I consider good things. Lately I have tried to define people by their imperfections because I think that is what makes them unique, so to respect their imperfections is to accept their individuality/uniqueness. So I hope I never turn out looking like a magazine model,and I hope that all my friends view me through the little things "wrong" with me that set me apart from everyone else they know. And as for all those cookie cutter girls; the mainstream can keep them, I am much more interested in imperfection.
There are a few things I do not understand in the world. Actually there are many things I do not understand, but at this moment in time as I sit at work reading the news I do not understand one specific thing, Israel. How can a shitty little country that has been around for less than a century cause some of the worst problems the middle east has ever seen. What gives Israel the right to cross the border of Lebanon, a soverign nation, and then when fired upon by the Lebanese mililtary FOR INVADING THEIR COUNTRY, they piss and moan and cry foul. What gives Israel the right to fly planes over Lebanese airspace repeatedly, ignoring international law, harassing the Lebanese population, harassing the UN troops and then ignore it when anyone dares to speak out. Why the fuck can this stupid piece of shitty land cause so many fucking problems in one region. What gives the zionist pigs the right to dig up parts of the dome of the rock and then when worshipers protest, to come in billy clubs flailing beating and arresting people and carrying them off to Israeli prisons for their right of demonstration. Why do we, supposedly the most advanced industrial and "moral" beam of light in the world, give this country countless billions of dollars in military aid year after year so they can use it as demonstrated in July 2006 in south lebanon to terrorize a civilian population for a month and leave long lasting consequences well beyond the time of the actual conflict. Why do we allow these things to take place? Because the jews suffered persecution in World War Two? Yes they did suffer horrendous crimes in world war two and not many people can imagine the pain and suffering endured by those victims, but that does not give their descendents the right to terrorize other people. The gypsys, homosexuals, blacks, disabled, and countless others all suffered under the Nazi regieme, but they do not get the green light to go bomb the shit out of other countries and turn plots of land into the worlds largest ghetto (see Gaza Strip). Following the same logic the congolese should be getting billions of dollars in US military aid every single year and we should support them in taking over Rwanda, Uganda, Angola, and all their other neighbors simply because 10 million of them were slaughtered mercilessly by King Leopold during colonialism. The world does not work that way, and Israel should be no exception. The oppressed have become the oppressors in the Middle East now, last time I checked it wasn't the Palestinians that ran Auschwitz, last time I checked it wasn't the Lebanese who passed the Nuremberg laws, in fact last time I checked it was the Middle East where the jews sought refuge from persecution. In the Ottomon times where did the Jews go to escape the terrorism of the white europeans, the middle east and muslim spain. This myth that jews and arabs or jews and muslims cannot get along is completely unfounded bullshit, the jews and the arabs lived for hundreds of years side by side in the middle east, things only started to deteriorate when a select few groups of zionist death squads decided to cleanse the "chosen land" of the arabs so that the jews could return to the land God had promised them. No I do not hate jews, no I am not a rascist, yes I believe that the Jewish Holocaust during WW2 took place, but I also believe in international law, humanitarianism, and common decency, all of which Israel is severely lacking in. What is the solution then? I will tell you right now, tear down the fucking aparthied wall in the west bank, reopen the Gaza Strip so that the mass starvation (somewhere of 78%) ends, and make the entire region (Israel and the Occupied territories) one country with a one man one vote democracy, that will solve all of these problems in a heart beat. But that will never happen, simply because the Israeli's do not want peace, they are the ruling class over this oppressed group of people, why would they ever give that up, no emperor or king ever voluntarily gives away their power it must be taken away from them by the subjugated population. I want to see peace in the middle east, I want to see the jews and the arabs living side by side, intermarrying, celebrating each other's holidays, and respecting each others ethnicities. I want an end to this Aparthied system put in place by the ruling class of Zionists that run the middle east with the help of their western allies. I want all of these things but they simply wont happen for one reason, Israel doesn't want it, and for some reason that is beyond me the current world climate simply states "What Israel wants, Israel gets"
Maybe we are both good people Done some bad things I just hope it was okay I know it wasn't perfect I hope in the end we can laugh And say it was all worth it
I try not to think about the past often, though it seems to repeatedly comes up, especially when things aren't as I would like them to be. Things are weird for me right now, its been a while since I have been in a situation quite like the one I am in now. I know I shouldn't complain, in fact I don't really see this as complaining, just getting stuff outta my head. I know she is worse off than I am right now, I know she is hurt more by this than I am, I know its harder for her; and that's what makes it hard for me. I do not want to come off as "oh look at me I'm such a good person I feel bad for her" I just really do. No one likes to see their friends hurt, and no one likes to hurt their friends, I did both. I think it is for the better though, we need to not be in that constant state of uncertainty, it was worse for both of us. I hope she finds someone who makes her laugh, someone to dance with, someone who can sing, someone who supports her ideas, someone who supports her as a strong human being. I wish that some day will come along when we can be sitting in a cafe some where sharing a cup of coffee or tea and talking about our lives, and our relationship will come up and we will both smile and acknowledge it for what it was but leave it as the past. I hope someday to be on a picket line with her support womens rights, I am sure that is where she will end up in life. I wouldn't mind getting arrested with her, I hope someday we share an experience like that. I think this is my last rant about the past, too many things are going on in the present to think about the past. I am not getting involved in political action again, specifically the anti-war movement. I met two new friends today, two older men named Jon and Ron they are both very...interesting. They told me some of the greatest stories I have ever heard, I am starting to collect stories. I am collecting the life stories of the various people that I meet, by chance, through work, through what ever. I am starting to build a nice collection of stories, I would love to become some one like Utah Phillips and tour the country telling stories and singing songs about the beautiful people I meet and the beautiful places I have gone. I have made a new good friend, she is intelligent, funny, ridiculous, and crazy. She is an enigma, much uncertainty surrounds her; it sucks me in, I cannot help but be intrigued by it. We sit and talk in French for hours, or rather broken shitty French. We share stories, we share ridiculous noises, and make stupid shadow puppets such as Elvis Gorilla. We share the want to change the world, in different ways, one politically and one environmentally; though I suppose the two are fairly connected. My classes are going good, that is except for economics, I am starting to consider myself a International Studies major which means I tell people that is what I am. I am starting to meet new people, my last semester was miserable, but that is starting to change slowly but steadily. I am smiling a lot more, I feel good when I wake up in the mornings. There is still that insane part of my brain, that will never leave me; I will always be pessimistic, obsessed with politics; and have a terrible addiction to the news, but I am learning to balance that with my life instead of allowing it to consume me. So this started as my rant about the past and turned into things are good rant, ranting and raving either way. I hope ma meilleur amie will soon be in the same ship as I am. I hope to talk to her soon, there is so much to say, and so much to learn...
Its been about a week since we last talked, in that week there are few things that have happened I would like to tell her:
1. I saw Harold and Maud, all in all I liked it, I wonder if she got the whole Holocaust connection, sometimes she misses small things in movies 2. Some on in my geography class had the same ring tone as her, I know its stupid but still these are the kinds of things that we share 3. I would like to tell her about the grocery shopping experience, the fake fighting, the religious zealot, all that good stuff 4. I would like to listen to her, have her fill me in on her week, how things have gone, how classes and work are 5. I'd like to hear her frustration and anger, I'd like to listen to her tell me everything that is wrong 6. I'd like to hear her laugh, she has a good laugh its hard to describe in words, though I can do a decent impression 7. I would like to ask her about her Koala, see if she named it yet, has gotten any pictures, just how that who thing is going 8. I'd like to tell her it would be nice to see her soon, whip her butt in Monopoly or sit around and watch a movie, stupid shit that we always do.
So those are 8 things I would like to do but I wont be able to, at least not for a while. I shouldn't be complaining, it could've been much worse I suppose...then again I'm sure it could've been better too. I hope things are slowly and steadily getting better for her. I just hope she is doing well...
So she called me back a little bit after hanging up on me. I left her a message saying that I wanted to talk to her, so she decided to call back. I am glad she did, we talked, she told me how angry she was at me. How I did not consider her feelings, how she couldn't stand my laughs, my friends laughs, couldn't stand that I slept laying against her, how I would allow her to lay on me to sleep. She said I had changed, said she feels I do not know how to have a good time with out alcohol anymore. I told her she was right about the change, I have changed, we both have changed, I reasserted that I am not an alcoholic by any stretch of the imagination and that I was just fooling around that night. I was able to get some things off my chest, how the past is the past, how I just want to move on and I always have felt guilty for wanting that, how I still wanted her to be my best friend, even though she thinks that I do not act like I do. She need time away from me, I think that is best, I hope she is able to move on, I really wish her the best. I do not know why I do the things I do, I do not know why I choose the things that I choose, sometimes I feel like my life moves on and I just ride along, not knowing what comes next, never anticipating things correctly. I feel kind of sick right now, I do not want to go to my night class, I want to make a lot of hummus for the night, I want to walk around alone in the dark, I want to be a rational creature instead of this crazy blob of carbon that I am. I do not know if I believe that everything happens for a reason, maybe the universe is dictated completely by chance, maybe I am making a horrible mistake, maybe I am making the right choice, I just do not know anymore. I always come close to making a decision and then second guess the hell out of myself until I just cant think if it is a good idea or not. This is no different, I have much homework to do tonight, read over a hundred pages and do a map of Africa, that is just for 1 class tomorrow. Suddenly I feel like things are not going to be well, I feel one of my turns coming on....
"I just wanted to tell you, you were very inconsiderate of my feelings this weekend and that I don't want to talk to you. So don't call me"
Thats how the conversation ended, it was short, I didn't expect anything long. A ten second phone call that could potentially change everything, maybe I will never see her again, maybe I wont ever talk to her again, maybe I will...I hope I do. I could've defended myself, I wanted to explain things to her but I didn't, I just said "Okay, I wont call you, take care". That is not how I wanted things to turn out, I have a way of losing good friends. I should've expected that this would happen, I was foolish to think that anything would've been different then the way it was. I know how she is, she knows how I am, I do not know why I pretended that things would turn out differently. My heart is racing now, she is my best friend, or I guess that sentence should read she was my best friend...In retrospect I should've done many things differently, I tried to make things work out at first, she was cold, I was stupid, the conversation went no where on the bus. She just passed out, I just tried to forget about it. At the rally she ran ahead of me, she said it was because everything had started, I am sure its because she just didn't want to be by me, I don't think I really blame her. I called to try to meet up with her that afternoon, perhaps we all could've gone out to eat, seen the sights together, perhaps things could've been different, she didn't meet up with me, again she gave me some other reason, again I think its because she didn't want to be with me, and again I do not think I blame her. I think perhaps I didn't tell her of things before had because I didn't want to make the trip weird/awkward for her and I. Maybe I should've done it differently, maybe the outcome was inevitable, I cant really blame her for how she feels, blaming people for how they feel is ridiculous. She feels a certain way and I respect that, I don't want it to be that way but that is how it is, simply put I will just have to accept things the way they are. So I am in a spot I know all to well, my best friend is angry at me, perhaps we will never talk again, It wouldn't surprise me, it has happened to me before. Now I will just wait, wait to see if she ever decides she wants to talk to me again, wait to see if she just decides to forget about me and move on like our time together was just a bad dream, wait to see what happens next. I wish her the best, I wish our friendship to continue, I wish we could talk, but wishing gets you no where, so now I just wait...
Based on the last week in town this is shaping up to be a good semester. Things are looking up, perhaps it just takes one semester to get situated. I have my first class of the semester in 2 hours, I just felt like saying I feel happy this morning.
I'll light the fire You place the flowers in the vase That you bought today
The current administration of the United States never ceases to amaze me, and not in a good way. They have just released a new manual for the trails of "terrorist" suspects. Allowing hersay evidence, allowing for the government to not allow certain questions to be asked due to the possibility that it could release "classified information", and the accused would not be allowed to see any "classified" evidence against them but would be given an "unclassified summary". I have one question, Brave New World; 1984; are we there yet? What kind of civilized country institutes legal regulations such as this. This is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever seen in my life. A system like this rivals Lincoln's decision to ban the writ of habeas-corpus during the civil war, or Wilson's anti-free speech laws during WW1. Say good bye to democracy and welcome the soothing noise of the goose steps as we creep nearer and nearer to a fascist state. I am not a maniac, I would not even begin to compare the situation now to that of the Nazi regime, that would be irresponsible, what I will compare it to is countless other dictatorships and empires that invade countries, kill innocents, and take away democratic guarantees and institutions back home in the name of security. I do not trust government, I do not trust this administration, I do not trust the occupation forces, and I cannot trust an administration that behaves in the way that ours does: invasions, ecological destruction, senseless foreign policy, and a "cowboy" attitude way of getting things done that's only consequence is further alienating our country from the rest of the entire international community. This manual should set off alarms for any sane minded person, a direct quote from it is "As a general matter, hearsay shall be admitted on the same terms as any evidence." all that is needed for that to happen is for the judge to rule that the witness is reliable. Now it does not take a genius to realize the implications of this in a military court, all it will take is for some ignorant son-of-a-bitch to rule that another ignorant son-of-a-bitch is reliable enough to testify against some "towel head" or "sand nigger" with evidence that holds no value beyond "he said she said". This is completely unacceptable, in every judicial system there are people that are wrongly accused for being guilty now imagine what will happen when all it will take for the civilian who was in the wrong place at the wrong time to get thrown in Gitmo or better yet executed just because some solider or somebody who doesn't like him very much decides to testify against him and is a "reliable witness"...what a load of crap. If this is your fucking democracy leave me out of it, there is no more government accountability, Rousseau said it best when speaking about the British by saying they are only free when on the day they cast their vote and all other days they are simply slaves. When you have a leader who takes power in a shady election at best come out and flaunt that a representative body cannot stop him from making the decisions he is making ; how is this a democracy. When he says that even if his dog and his wife were the only two behind him he would continue with this war, how is that a fucking democracy. There is no government accountability anymore, he has an approval rating in the low 30%'s but continues to rule over the majority 70% of the population, how is that democracy. But back to the new terrorist trial manual, the accused doesn't even get to see the evidence against them, how can this even pass for a fair trial. You simply get a summary of what the evidence is against you because the real evidence is "classified" and we could be risking national security by disclosing it to someone. A real risk to National Security is behaving like an Empire, thinking we can trample across the entire world, bombing , pillaging, conquering, and not listening to reason. The threat to national security is the continual support of Apartheid regimes such as Israel, and dictators around the world as long as they are one of the good guys. So rest assured there will be no justice for the Gitmo "terrorists" that are going to be on trial (all 10 of them). I do not support the actions of the people in Gitmo but locking them there with no trial is just as bad. You cannot assume that every single person in there is a terrorist or a "jihadist". Have a fair legal system to take care of them and let the guilty ones be punished fairly and justly and let the innocent ones go back to their lives. It has been called the "Gulag of the 21st Century" by Amnesty International. So this administration will continue the horrors of its regime while the majority of citizens will piss and moan and not do anything about it. Without any help in site from the Democratic Senate it is time for the people to rise up. The January 27th protest must only be the beginning we must continue to apply pressure until we reclaim our democracy and throw away all these anti-democratic "security" measures that are being implemented. As the great Martin Luther King Jr. once said "No American institution can function without pressure."
This will be a short entry I'm sure. Sometimes you only realize things when other people bring them up or after they just get brought up casually. I am talking with an dorm-mate of mine from madison and I realized how lucky I am to have two very good friends here in Oshkosh. I don't know if they know how happy I am that they are my friends. They are both funny, intelligent, active, and open-minded. People I can just sit around with, which ends up happening most the time we hang out. We all enjoy the same music, have many similar views on politics, religion, animal rights. They are two women, both shorter than I, both skinny, they are good friends with each other also. We talk about strange things all the time, sex offenders, crime, politics, my inability to speak French or Arabic, how disgusting birth is, Satan, and some other pointless things. I've dated both of them, tho in all fairness one for only two weeks then she broke up with me, but we had spent much time together before that and then again a little while after the break up. The other I dated for a much longer time, over one year, we were very serious...things just kinda went bad, we are good friends now tho, you cannot help from being best friends when you were in a relationship such as ours. When the three of us sit around it never ends poorly, even if its just for a short time doing nothing in the New Moon, or at someone's house, or just what ever, things are relaxing, warm, funny, no one leaves upset. One has thick, dark, hair that she parts across the front of her face in a way that makes me smile, the other has straight light hair she is trying to grow out long usually unwashed and topped with a white hat. I've seen them both happy and hysterically in tears, they both have seen my happy, sad, pensive, neither has seen me in tears, at least not that I can recall. There is no act when I am around them, none of us have to pretend to be a certain way, or to think a certain thing, I can tell they are accepting of me, and I think they know I am accepting of them (hopefully). They both wear glasses, tho one usually wears contacts, they both have strange animal obsessions, one with bunnies and the other with koalas. They both have strange yet comical fears, one is afraid of moths while the other is afraid of the sound test noise at the beginning of movies, when the screen says THX. They both love Woody Allen, and beards. Both are talented writes, tho one is pursing that as her career while the other is pursuing sociology. All three of us have our own problems, all three of us are a little nutzo, but most importantly us three are friends. I just recently have been able to call both of them just to say "hey how are you" with out feeling that I am intruding. I do not know why I became compelled to write all of this down, I guess partly because I am leaving tomorrow back to school. Friends come and go, they really do, but these two girls are something else, they aren't your garden variety friends you had in high school that you forget about once you graduate, I've kinda know them for a while, and I hope its a while longer. Well I guess I go back tomorrow with all my new experiences from this break but as I go back this time I think it will be different. When I moved in August, I moved to forget, to put this town behind me and start a new life. Now as I go back, I am going back thinking of what has happened in the past month, and ultimately thinking about how lucky of a guy I am to have two great friends...
I am excited for the next semester to begin, but I am also uneasy about it. Last night as I was discussing first semesters with a friend of mine at her house (she goes to a private school in Portland) I became uneasy again. She has many good stories to tell about her first semester, she met so many people, she did many drugs, slept in a corn field, talked sex with gay men, and many other stories. Her college is one big group of friends, its small, about 2000 people and all of them get along well, or at least most of them do. It made me think of my first semester again, I like Madison. Well I prefer it to my hometown, in some ways. Much more goes on in Madison, there are lots of people, there is always noise and as strange/weird as you are there is always someone weirder than yourself. I remembered my good memories from first semester, getting drunk and watching Apocalypse Now, the drugs, meeting various people at my job, learning Indonesian, staying at least an hour after work to have political discussions with some guys even though it was all ready getting late and I had class the next day. But I remembered some bad things from Madison also, the semester was lonely. Now I like being alone, its nice to just be by myself sometimes, no one to worry about just alone with my thoughts. But it is also nice to have friends to call up for no reason, to sit around with, and just to watch movies/listen to music with. Needless to say I didn't have that in Madison, everything is so cliquey, everyone has their set group of friends all ready and it is hard to get into that group. I remember walking around in the crowds and crowds of people thinking I bet there is some one interesting here, someone I could become friends with but it never seemed to happen. I was lonely amongst a giant sea of people and I didn't really understand it, I always thought there must be something wrong with me. In a school full of 40,000-50,000 people how could I not find at least one really good friend. But things persisted that way, most of my free time of my semester was spent with some guys that I knew from back home, they are awesome guys but they have their own lives, I have mine. Plus it just seems like there is something between us, I cannot describe it other than something between us that just makes for awkwardness and uncomfortablenesses, ultimately the inability for me just to call them up and be like hey do you wanna just sit around. I always feel like we have to be doing something, and that I can never just ask them to hang out with out something in mind to do. Most of my semester was spent with work and school which kept me busy but the free time that I had, much of it was just spent around the dorm room. At first I loved it, I was away from my family, the drama of high school, was able to get my mind off things, but then it changed. I wasn't really making close friends, I started to just want some one to lay around with, all in all it was just lonely. At the end of the semester I hung out with some one, she was nice, I enjoyed our time together, but we just hung out once so I do not know what will come out of this. We have things in common and some similarities, it would be nice if she became a friend I could just sit around with and do nothing, she might go to D.C. to the anti-war rally, I have all ready bought my bus ticket, it would be nice if some one came with. So all in all I am looking forward to next semester, my classes seem interesting, I sort of miss the people from my job, and it will be nice to be in a different town again. I just hope this semester shapes up to be less lonely, maybe it just takes a semester to meet people and get to know them, maybe it takes longer, I really don't know. I guess the old cliche is true only time will tell.
"I talk to loud, I laugh to long, I bet you'll be strangely relieved when I'm gone"
Well I am heading back to Madison on Sunday probably, just to get situated again before classes start, oh and to go back to work. Its strange how I have a life in two places now, I have my Oshkosh life and my Madison life. Sometimes I think they dont mix, like they cannot mix, they must be kept separate. I have my Madison job, my Madison friends, my Madison everything and the same for Oshkosh but they just should be kept apart. Sometimes I feel that I am a different person in Madison, I act differently around people, I have different responsibilities, and I am still getting to know people. Here in Oshkosh I am relatively situated, I have my friends (all two of them), know the people I dont like, know the places to hang out and that is that. Madison is still different, it's so large, there are many people, I am still discovering much about the town. Break has been good though, with out my parents here I enjoyed myself a lot. Many nights I spent sitting around and watching the Simpsons with an old friend, then passing out on the couch, waking up in the morning only to find her still there on the couch, it was nice, I like the way she looks when she is asleep. Other nights were good too, hiding my lifestyle from my sister, sitting with a group of friends in a smoke filled room laughing, watching "The Wall" passing out, waking up, watching "The Simpsons" passing out, waking up, driving my roommate home. Other nights were not too good, waking up in a cold sweat at 5:00 am on Eid, feeling that everything about the night was wrong, attempting to comfort a friend on new years eve even tho I really do not have a way with words, the nights spent alone, not happy, just not feeling good about myself, not feeling good about my life, and beating myself up over the same thing over and over again. I guess all in all the break was good, out of everything that happened I do not regret any of it, I try not to regret anything that happens in my life. The above video is posted because first of all its a hell of a rendition to one of the best Ani Difranco songs, and secondly because I feel that the quoted line is true to myself. A friend of mine and I have quite a history together, up and down, mostly my fault. She is constant, I know how she feels about everything, I am the one who is up and down, one day I want everything we once had and another day I want to move on, maybe to someone else maybe to no one else. When I am away in Madison I sometimes think it's better that we are apart for long periods of time, less opportunities for us to make the same mistake again and again, and one less thing for her to have to worry about. When I'm not around she isn't constantly reminded of the past, she doesn't have to think about all the bad times we have gone through, she doesn't have to dwell on what was and what could be. Its not that I do not want our friendship, she is my best friend hands down, I just think that time with me needs to be spent in spurts, and not constantly, this is true for every one that spends time with me. I have too many problems, too many quirks and crazy things about me, that when someone spends constant time with me no good will come out of it. I will get sick of them, I will get cold, pensive, quiet, and they will get sad or angry. So to all my friends who I spent time with over break I hope they enjoyed it as much as I did. But as I go back to my separate Madison life and they go back to their lives with out me I'm sure there will be some sort of relief. It's not a bad thing, this isn't a way of saying oh everyone feel bad for me, or some sort of self pity, I just feel that people (consciously or not) get a sense of relief upon my departure, and its not a bad thing, I smile when I leave too. I smile that I get to go somewhere else, that I have new memories, that I have good and bad times to reflect upon in the new town I live in. I am relieved when I leave, I look forward to the insanity of the next semester, the crazy work/class schedule I have that will let me forget about the problems I am leaving behind in Oshkosh. So I hope that any of my friends who consciously pause with a sense of relief that I have left do not feel bad for doing so, I understand and I hope that they all do it and accept the feeling.
So a lot has been going on in the world lately, I suppose I just could never really collect my thoughts into one coherent entry. Then again none of my entries are really coherent, more stream of consciousness I suppose. Let's see, well Saddam Hussein was hanged on Saturday right before dawn Iraq time, Eid Al-adha, a muslim holiday that commemorates the story of Abraham and marks the end of the Hajj. I am not a Saddam Hussein fan, in fact I think he was a horrible dictator but I oppose his hanging. I am against capital punishment for anyone at anytime no matter how heinous the crimes might have been. The fact is his entire trial was unfair and simply a political show (see the human rights watch report as well as statements from the Arab Lawyers Association) it was simply a way for the current Iraqi government to seek revenge against a tyrant, something I dont blame them for wanting to do, but none the less, not something they should have done. When a dictatorial regime is toppled the people, as well as the new regime always want revenge, they never want justice, and to pretend that hanging him was "just" or that his trial was "fair" is bullshit, it was revenge plain and simple. The Czar and his family were killed out of revenge after the revolution, the Iraqi monarchs were killed out of revenge after their government was toppled, Mussolini was killed out of revenge, these are all simple facts, it was never for "justice" or for a "brighter future", revenge plain and simple. Plus it is not like any good is going to come out of killing Saddam Hussein, the thousands of Kurds he persecuted and killed will not be brought back to life, the 148 people he murdered in the southern of Iraq after a failed assassination attempt will not be brought back to life (this is what he was sentenced to death for, not for the gassing of the Kurds, and not for any of his other crimes) The fact is as more information is released such as the taunting before his death courtesy of the cell phone video the problems in Iraq will only become worse. The insurgency did not simply stem from the downfall of Saddam, I wont deny that some of the bombings, killings, kidnappings, and murders are not done by Saddam Hussein supporters, but they aren't all because of that. The insurgency is due to the policy of "De-baathification" that the American Occupation has instilled. All members of the B'aath party can no longer get jobs in the military, government, or civil service. Under Saddam Hussein you had to be a member of the Baath party to get any decent job, just like it is in Syria now. I have said it a thousand times and I will say it again, you cannot disband a countries entire civil service and then expect the new government to be functional. What De-baathification has done is created massive unemployment and unrest in the country, someone who worked for a government ministry now cannot get a job, cant support their family, lives in poverty in a war torn country, what do you expect them to turn to besides violence, and what do you expect their children to turn to other than violence. The entire American Occupation is a joke, we have pretended that we were sent by God to free the Iraqi people from their dictator, true Saddam Hussein is a dictator but so are many of our Allies, historically and Presently. Let's see, military governments in Brazil, Argentina, Chile, Panama, and Spain were all supported by the United States. Dictators in Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Jordan, and Countless numbers in Africa and Asia have been and currently are supported by the United States. Turkey is still supported by the United States even though their crimes against the Armenians and the Kurds are horrific, and refused to be recognized by the government. Kurdish women were raped and then thrown naked from Turkish Military helicopters as recently as 10-15 years ago, broadcasting radio and television in the Kurdish language was/is illegal in Turkey, but we invade a country and then kill its former leader first for "WMD's", then "its connection to Al-Qaeda", and finally to "rid it of its dictator". If the USA truly cared about ridding the world of dictators, thugs, gangsters, and war lords, we would seriously reconsider our foreign policy. Speaking of War Lords one only has to look at US policy towards Somalia. I am not a supporter of the ICU (Islamic Courts Union) I see the implementation of Shari'ah law in present day as irresponsible and unrealistic, but one cannot overlook what they did in parts of Somalia. Before the ICU started taking over land in Somalia the United States backed warlords ran cities such as Mogadishu, women were raped in the streets, people killed for allegiances to one person or another, and general lawlessness. These warlords were scared off by the ICU, Mogadishu saw some relative stability under the ICU, there was some sort of law instilled, though many of the laws were repressive (closing down of public cinemas, ban on a popular leaf that is chewed and relaxes the person chewing it a sort of drug) Well the Ethiopians (supplied by America, planes, bombs, tanks, guns) would have nothing of the sort in Somalia, accused the ICU of being part of Al-Qaeda, and attacked the ICU troops claiming it was aiding the transitional government. The Transitional Government was set up by the UN in 1991 but has been unable to bring any peace, stability, or law to the land for that time period, with no central government since 1991 Somalia descended into gangster rule. So the Ethiopian troops defeat the ICU no problem and reinstall the transitional government which promises peace, stability, and all this other crap that they have never been able to provide before. This will surely insure a return to war lord rule and set Somalia back on track to a weak lawless country. Not to the dismay of America of course, who wants a strong ally in the African Horn, i.e. Ethiopia, and will make sure that no other country will gain power in the region. American foreign policy has accomplished us next to nothing in the past 60 years. Korea, Vietnam, Panama, Iraq, all of these wars have been fought for the wrong reasons with terrible consequences that resonate today. American foreign policy is not marked by "justice","fairness",and "democracy" as the administration would like people to believe but rather a horrible double standard and a policy of "real-politik" where we support mass murderers, dictators, drug dealers, warlords, whomever just as long as they agree and help further American foreign policy as well as American interests. The bone chilling truths about our involvement in Latin American (Panama, Iran-Contra, Chile, Brazil, Argentina, etc), Asia (Shah of Iran, Arab Gulf States Princes/Kings, Saudi Kings, Egyptian and Jordanian dictators) Africa(Somalia, South African Apartheid, Nigeria, Uganda), it is fairly safe to say that we have supported dictators in every continent. Point being we can only hope for a future of American un-involvement from world politics, it is in the world as well as America's best interest to stay out of world politics, and to better support a world community instead of an American Empire, because from the Romans, to the Ottomans we all know how empires end...
I have been thinking a lot lately about what is wrong with me. I came back to this town and reverted back to certain behaviors, certain things I thought I had left behind once I moved to college, people I thought I had forgotten about, others I had not wanted to forget about, but just wanted a different relationship. I felt I was over my past, I always said that I didn't want what was a year ago, always said I wasn't sure about how I felt, two weeks before coming back home I thought I had moved on. I was convinced I had finally done it, I had let go of the past, I was ready to move on with my life, then I came back to Oshkosh and I now feel that I wasn't as ready as I thought I was. I thought things would be different this time, I thought I would be able to be straight forward and everything would be good. I was very wrong, first I was angry, at others and then at myself. Then I was sad, emotional, and scared. I remember finally truly enjoying myself for the first time that semester, the night was dry, kinda chilly, I showered in two minutes and we walked around that night. I was shown some old native american things left in the the town of Madison, mounds shaped like animals that the University is built over, one remains, it is by my dorm. We talked about the home downs we both came from, how similar they were, we talked about our perspective majors, music we liked, and our distaste for emo kids. I got the grand tour of the house full of roommates, heard stories of drug trips and some man in a bath tub, exchanged horrible jokes, and watched the beginning of Lennon Legend. I went home at about 12:30, I had a 10:30 finnal the next morning, I hadn't studied for it spending time with a new friend was more immportant. I was happy, I felt like I had finnally found somebody interesting who I shared some common interests with, I felt the past was now truly the past, and that I had finnally moved on. I felt relieved for the first time in a very very long time. Then I came back to Oshkosh, feelings I thought I had gotten over all came rushing back, the uncertainty, the roller coaster, things were all the same. I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought I wanted to move on, but I dont know anymore. I had a degree of certainty back here in Oshkosh. Our relationship was well founded, we were good friends, we had the same interests, we could talk for hours, at least thats how it was at first. I remember all the good times we had together, I remember all the crazy shit we could do together, I remember all the stories we exchanged, the excruciatingly boring times spent with family, and the trouble that I got in but laughing it all off. Then I remember how the last few months were, the anger, the tears cried, how I was completely sick of seeing her everyday, how upon returning from Canada, the last thing I wanted to do was spend more time with her. How I felt that I was sick of taking care of her, how I was angry that she couldn't make decisions or do anything by herself. How I had to be there to do every fucking thing, how I was just so sick of it I was ready to move on. I felt that I had moved on that night in December, I felt maybe there was something different, something I had missed, all there in my new home in Madison. I remember feeling like a stupid little kid, watching what I say, acting a certain way because I wanted things to work out. I still want them to work out, but I'm scared of the uncertainty. I dont know if that is what I want, I dont know where I will be in the fall semester next year, I dont know where she will be next fall, Sweden, Minnesota, will it matter, would anything have happened, will spring semester determine all of that, is this what I truly want? I also am scared of whats back in Oshkosh, is that truly what I want, how can I know what is right, or what I want if I've only experienced one relationship in my home town. There are +6 billion people in the world, I'm only 18 years old, I dont know what I am going to do the rest of my life, I have only seen a few countries and a few societies, I feel like I dont know if that is the decision I want to make, I feel like I shouldn't have to make a decision like this. Why do I put people off when they get close to me? Why do I get sick of people so easily when I spend time with them? Why do I constantly look for problems in people so that I can be bothered by them? I've tossed around in my head for such a long time, I guess I am just scared. I'm scared of the future, I live in a little bubble, I'm 18 with no responsibility besides school and my dish washing job. I'm scared of what I will end up doing, who I will end up with, I'm scared of what my life will be like in 10 years. I am often told to not worry about the future, but it's so hard not to. I wonder if anyone goes through similar things that I do, I have been told often "I know how you feel" or "I understand where you're coming from" but I dont know if anyone does. How can one person truly understand another person? Every person on earth has had different experiences than every other person. Perhaps I am just crazy, maybe my life is really just simple and everything is just black and white but I just spend my time looking for ways to make it more complicated. I think that I need to just be by myself for a while, I need to travel around the world and figure out what I want to do, I need to experience things for myself before I can make decisions. I have told myself this same thing over and over. I like being alone, but I guess lately I just feel lonely. I feel lonely but then tell myself not to get into a relationship because of the the uncertainty. Because I cant know what comes next and because I just dont want to have to deal with another thing like that right now. Because I dont know about people, and because I know so few people. Ultimately because I am scared...
I watched a program on Iraqi children on Al Jazeera English yesterday. They said that after the occupation over 75% of kids have had to drop out of school because of the threat of violence in the country. Also 1 in 8 children die in Iraq before reaching the age of five. The country is ruined, almost 1/2 of the population is bellow the age of 18, most with out jobs, schools, or anything constructive to do. What did the Americans believe would happen when they went in, disbanded the civil service, and occupied a land with no previous democratic institutions I have no idea how they thought they could instill democracy. It is impossible to instill democracy in a country with no previous democratic institutions by force with military occupation. The best option for the USA right now is to get out. Get the fuck out before more American's come back in body bags fighting for a lost cause. Iraq is in a civil war that is it, and no amount of United States military presence is going to stop that. The sooner the American Occupation realizes that and decides to "cut and run" the better it will be for everyone. The argument that things would get worse if we leave is full of crap. The U.S. cannot even control the sectarian militias that roam the streets of Iraq, kill people based on sectarian divisions, and have successfully infiltrated the Iraqi Army and Police forces. There is nothing anyone can do now in Iraq to stop this downward spiral leading it to war, carnage, and death. I look at Iraq and I see Lebanon in the 70's and 80's, one of the worst civil wars anyone can imagine. Things aren't going to be pretty there, but I reiterate NO amount of troop presence will delay/reduce/stop the civil war that is going on right now and will continue to go on. As for those children that will never see their fifth birthday, I think the leaders of the American Occupation should have to bury every child's body themselves. All the neo-cons should have to hand dig every grave and place every dead childs body in it themselves. And for the half of the population that is under 18, they can look forward to a helpless life, with no education, no peace, and no prospects they will probably begin to fill the ranks of the various sectarian militias where their lives will surely end with a gun in their hand killing their fellow countrymen. So on this Christmas season I think we can say "Bless the American Occupation for Liberating Iraq"........................not
I haven't written an entry in about a year I think, I just had to have my password e-mailed to me. I am not sure why I write in this, sometimes I feel compelled to. It's strange that when you move some where home is never really home again. I have spent only a semester in Madison but as Hannah drove me back into Oshkosh yesterday afternoon I just felt outta place, a fish out of water perhaps. I am not sure where I belong, I am not sure where I want to go, I am not sure what I want to do with my life. My existence seems like one long string of uncertainties emotionally, academically, just about in every way possible. I have lost the activist in me, I am becoming my father, obsessively reading news stories, getting all flustered and angry and then doing nothing about it. I dont know what I can do about it any more, I've lost all faith in politics. I dont believe in political parties, I dont believe political parties can solve the problems in the world. I was born at a period in history, the Cold War ended while I was only a few years old, Fukuyama calls the world we live in "The End of History" all the ideological struggles have ended, the world has embraced democracy as the way to do things, the world will no longer have a giant polarizing ideology. Samuel Huntington wrote the famous "Clash Of Civilizations" article about how the future will be marked by a clash between these "civilizations" mainly Islam vs The West. There are other civilizations: Japan which is related to western, Confucian, possibly an "African" one, Huntington's piece is ridiculous to think there is agreement amongst every muslim in the world and that everyone in the west will agree also to take on each other, what a stupid argument. The world is fragmented, religions are fragmented, where did these civilizations come from? where do some countries (like southern and latin american ones) belong in this spectrum of "civilizations"? The concept that people are divided into civilizations is ideological bull shit to keep us separated, divide and conquer, thats all the powers that be want to do. I know I sound like a crazy conspiracy theorist but people just dont open there eyes to see what is going on around them. Everyone is caught up in political ideologies, religious ideologies, consumerism, sexism, racism, to see that we are all nothing in a giant game of chess. There are less than 400 people that own 1/2 the wealth of the world, that is a problem. 1 in 6 children in america live below the poverty line, countless thousands of people die from hunger every day, wars in Iraq, Palestine, Somalia, the Congo, South America, what is wrong with the world? Why are human beings drawn to this orgiastic state of death and destruction, why must we turn our back on the evolutionary process and behave as creatures that lived millions of year ago? Animals that roam the earth are more free than humans are, animals run their own lives, we are ruled by governments, corporations, brands, drugs, violence. We are the first creatures in the history of life to know their own existence, it is an amazing feat and no body thinks about that at all. The very fact that I know I am alive, and the fact that humans know how our lives have been created, what creatures we evolved from, this is amazing. Yet we continue to defy logic for some made up concepts such as nationalism, race, ethnicity, power, and honor. I dont know what will become of humanity, at times I feel like I would be better off not even being part of it, consciousness is a burden, the ability to know what is going on with humanity makes every person responsible for all the problems that continue to occur. I am a pessimist, I dont believe humans will ever figure out our problems, before that happens I am sure that a Nuclear Holocaust will happen. As I am rotting in the ground either from "natural causes" or from my body being blown apart in a nuclear explosion, or because I dont follow a certain religion, or because I believe in different ideologies, I wonder what the earth will be like. Once all the bombs have explosed and all of humanity is wiped out I wonder what comes next. Life on earth has ended a few times before and then been regenerated. I wonder if Humans are the end of evolution or if we are just somewhere in the middle and 200 million years from now there will be a completely different civilization made of creatures that are completely different from us. I guess I will never know...
It's funny how lately I cant let the past die out. I realized that I haven't written a poem in a long time so I took out my poetry note book just now and was flipping through it at the old poems that I have written. For some reason this one really stood out at me:
She is the taste of mint tea at 1:00 in the morning. She is the sharing of awkward moments at her step fathers house. She is that nervous laugh that comes out when neither of us has anything to say. She is screaming along to the music in my car after spending a night with her. She is vanilla chai made with espresso. She is Plato, Des Cartes, Coleridge and Gibran all wrapped in a beautiful package. She is long talks all night and into the morning. She is an endless cup of arabic coffee. She is philosiphy that lives and breathes. She is human psychology in action. She is the laughter from the bottom of my soul. She is the keeper of my emotion. She is poetry reading at the cafe. She is the french language. She is the epitome of stupid funniness. She is bad grammar and not caring. She is hours at the library and not getting any homework done. She is arguing politics with conservatives. She is rational spirituality. She is folk music, hip hop, rap, punk, and emo. She is joy and sorry, life and death. She is multiple piercings in the ears and belly button. She is musicals and old T.V. shows. She is thrift shopping and sewing. She is crotcheting for hours and realizing you made on big mistake. She is endless babbling and one mistake after another. She is what is desired. She is unattainable.
I guess I should not think about the past, nothing can change. I guess if I could do everything differently I wouldn't have taken anytime we spent together for granted and I would've made sure she always knew how I felt about her, whether I was madly in love or completly put off by her. I guess I would've made sure she always understood she was and still is my best friend. I guess this is the confession of a bleeding heart romantic. I never express my feelings....and now...well...now they come out. I dont want what we had again....at least I dont think I do...that part of my life is over...that part of our life together is over...I want something else, something different, something new for the both of us...I guess when it all comes down to it I just miss my best friend....
I have ben reflecting lately...something that I rarely do. I dont really reflect on my life cuz I figure the past is the past and I will never be able to change it no matter how hard I wish to. I think I have learned alot about myself lately...lately meaning the past month or so...I am starting to belive that I have a condition in which I am never pleased with what I have, material things, relationships, knowledge, anything really...I always desire things I know I cannot have or things I know I should not have. Laying on my bed stoned last night talking things over with Ish I learned a lot about myself and about him. We talked about everything, feelings, our past relationships, the future, our friendship, and how the canvas on my ceiling resembles the pilsbury doughboy or a man holding a baseball bat in a position ready to swing, all depending on how you look at it. The month of April has flown by, I feel like it has just started and now it is all ready over. That is a good thing tho I like to think that I am finnally moving on with my life...leaving my oshkosh life behind and going on to a new life in madison...The more I think about it I find myself to be a hopeless romantic...not in the "fashion punk" emo bullshit sense but just in the sense I have wild emotions that I can never come to grasps with. If I could have one wish It would be to stabalize my mind and my emotions I always feel like...i dont know how to describe it...just my feelings are never constant...i can never decide what I desire...what I am truly looking for. I have enjoyed solitude for sometime but i must admit that I also miss companionship which is why yesterday night was so nice. We have begun reading "Brave New World" in Brit Lit and it is by far one of my favorite books of all time. This entry seems to be more a collection of random thoughts and senseless rambling then anything else...sometimes i feel like i am writing for an audience and othertimes i feel like I am writing this just for myself...i cant ever really know which one it really is. Sometimes I think i have made a grave mistake recently and then other times I think that no...this is best how it is now...i have to admitt I miss a lot of things from the past that I dont have anymore now but at the same time i feel like now i can breathe and decide what i really want in my life. I am afraid that I have become another idealistic worthless person...I am not doing anything to create change anymore...I just sit in my basement reading news article after news article filling my head with all these world events that I know matter and need to do something about but I just dont do it anymore. The center has gone to Hell...but I find that I really do not care anymore...I'm sure if I told everyone @ the center they were a bunch of fucking jokes they would tell me soemthing like "well what do you want us to do...give us an idea of an event that you want" and honestly I wouldn't be able to think of one. I feel like I am trapped in Oshkosh as a teenager and that I can't do antyhing right now because of those two things. I am afraid that I will become another middle class casuality of consumerism and capitalism *shudders* i hope not. So there really was no point for anyone but myself for this entry. I guess it is my therapy to just deal with everything going through my head now. I have not written a poem in a long time and think I should possibly do that again.
THe college spring break was fun, I spent it with ish, hannah, and holly which is always a good time. Thats now what i have been thinking about though, have you ever thought about what the true difference between someone living in lets say Sudan and you living here in America? It really comes down to one thing Fate....why was I born here, why was I born to a middle class family, why was I given all these oppurtunities that other people dont have in the world, or even why do I care...the last line doesn';t mean i shouldnt it just means I see so many people that dont care about the world and it saddens me but makes me wonder what is different in my brain than them, or what is different in my heart. I think i could've easily been born in Darfur as a young man who would have to watch his mothers and sisters raped and brutalized and his father hacked to death, I could've been born a Titsi in Ruwanda and seen my mother and sisters burtally raped and then hacked to death wiht a machete and see my father hacked to death also, I couldve been born a Loas and watch the Khaimer Rouge gun down my family members...i couldve been born a jew in the soviet union and faced persecution or a jew anywhere in europe during the early 20th century and watched my family and my people killed and scattered. I could've been born in occupied india, in bangladesh, in the gaza strip or the west bank and face the humiliation of occupation day after day after day, but I wasn't i was born here. I dont know why i was born here i dont know why i was born in America to a middle class family with all the life's nessecities and a few of its luxuries...i just dont understand it. 3 days ago was the 3year anniversary of Racehl Corrie's death, she was a woman who was run over by an Israeli bulldozer while stopping it from demolishing the home of a doctor and his family. I admire her very much, she gave the ultimate sacrifice for some body else who was in danger...she gave up all her luxuries in amierca, gave up her family, her friends, all the abilities and luxuries that come from just living...all of them gone just to protect this poor man and his family. I bet if I could see Rachel now she would have that infamous smile on her face and tell me she was happy, she would do it all over again. Rachel Corrie worked with the ISM (international solidarity movement) they are a group that recruits westerners to do active nonviolence to the israeli occupation and relief work in the occupied terrories. THey hold a summer and a spring program every year...i think next year I am going to go do their summer program...standing wtih the people in Palestine is where I belong...sometimes i think fate made a mistake with me, I dont think i was supposed to be born here in america, I dont think i was supposed to be a middle class child more worried with how much money I have and how many things i can aquire than with the problems of the earth and day to day living. I think i belonged in Sudan, I belonged in Lebanon, In Palestine, in Bangladesh, in India, in the Congo, in Ruwanda, i belong where people are suffering the most. When I think like this I always remember what Mother Theresa said when a reporter asked her what her plan was when carrying out some of her humanitarian work and she looked at him and said "There is no plan...I'm just here to share in the suffering" Last night hannah and I watched two movies "Paradise Now" which is a indipendent film about two friends in Palestine that become suicide bombers together and "No Mans Land" which is about th Bosnian and Serbian war...both movies are really really good it is nice to see a different perspective in the movies. Paradise Now was espeically good I thought because the way they show you how these men are thinking...why they would do this...what drove them to it...what they are trying to accomplish...many good points were made in the movie. Now that I have decided what I want to do next summer this next year feels like a waste of time until I can go to Palestine and work with the ISM, hopefully the time will go by fast.
This week has been a long daze. I dont even know my own name anymore, my sleep pattern has been turned upside down, my classes are never ending, i'm sick and growing seenile and nothing makes sense anymore. I forget things that I should never have forgotten, I have no drive for anything anymore, my parents come home tomorrow night and all the freedom i've enjoyed in their absence for the past month now comes to an end. I dont know who i am anymore, I feel like i have forgotten or lost everything that ever has seemed certain me to. I looked in the mirror at 2:30 in the morning two nights ago and didn't recognize the person staring back. The bloodshot eyes, the unwashed hair, the scraggagly facial hair, the unbrushed teeth, who was that person? I feel like im walking around in an empty shell lately, My body is just empty i dont even understand myself anymore. I just want to run away from everyone, im angered easy, i dont find purpose in antyhing im forced to do, the people i used to associate with are all fake, im fake, there isn't anyone fighting anymore, i have to fight but no one else does. I dont know what i believe in anymore, I dont know who my friends are, I dont know who I like, i hate people one day and love them the next. My parents dont understand me anymore, my dad doens't bother anymore, my mom is too prying, everyone just cant get it right. I cant even get it right, nothing seems right anymore, sometimes i wish i was just some sort of spirit, not a human being. I dont want pity it just makes me more angry, I hate when people try to tell me things to cheer me up and tell me how wonderful I am i dont want to hear it. I dont know what I want, just to leave. Maybe im just crazy, maybe we are all crazy. I wonder what Jesus would tell me right now, I wonder what Abraham felt about gay rights, I wonder if Jesus would've accepted abortion, I wonder how many people Muhammad sentenced to death. I wonder if John the Baptist would've been a republican or a democrat. I wonder what Napoleon Bonaparte would be now if he was 16 years old. I wonder if i met John Riley face to face if he would be a stubborn religious man that I couldn't get a long with. It seems that I just dont belong here, I dont belong anywhere, i have a problem wtih everyone, I just need to get a spaceship and float away through the vacuum of space forever
Things have finnally seemed to clear out. A friendship renewed and reaffirmed, best friends in the summer we embraced as we promised not to let anything come between us. The candle flickered tonight as we told each other everything that was on our minds. THen we whent back to watching a movie like we used to do all the time, his familiar laugh and my familair sleepyness put me in the august trance. Everything is off our chests now, everything is out there, its behind us now, no more misunderstanding. THings seem to work out in the end, its just really hard waiting for that "end" to come sometimes. I waited long enouh and it worked out. Birthday preperations for tuesday, much work to be done if the present is to be what I imagine it. I can smile again, my heart is not so heavy, I have kept a close friend
THere seems to be this huge influx of emo crap everywhere I just really dont understand it. I am all for doing your own thing but the whole lets all die our hair purple and get those stupid ass glasses and where chekered shoes and skirts thats just fucking ridiculous. Emo isn't punk its its own shitty Genre. I just wanna tell those people get over yourself, there is more to life then the fact your girlfriend dumped you. Okay i am glad i got that all out. Now the other poeple bother me are these fucking ONE campaign idiots. All these people with their "Lets make poverty history" bullshit. People have been working for years and years to make poverty history and guess what your corporate campaign isn't going to do it. THe powers that callt he shots dont want to make poverty history and wearing a white wristband made by some little kid in china isn't going to make it history either. You need to stop living your consumer driven lives and wake up to the fact that every thing you do directly effects the lives of other people and in fact perpetuates poverty. Dont wear your "One" campaign shirt with Nike shoes while drinking a Coke, or actually go ahead and do it cuz it just proves you know absolutley nothing of world poverty or the situation the poorest nations on earth are in and the fact that you are buying into this ONE bullshit cuz now its popular. Get off your high fucking horse, this one campaign is run by the same people who perpetuate poverty. Poverty, especially for the poorest ppl on earth, is getting worse not better. Read the U.N. reports on the state of the world right now. Your white wristband isn't helping anyone, it doens't help solve the AIDS crisis in Botswana where life expectancy is 35, it does give running water to people in the poorest villages of India, and it doesn't help the exploited children in Latin America growing the fruit you eat, the coffee you drink, and making the clothes you are wearing. Stop with the bull shit everyone im sick of all of you. No I am not perfect, No i dont live a compeltley cruelty free life, yes im sure some of my posessions are made by exploited labor, no I haven't always drank fair trade coffee, but I dont go around making a fashion statement or pop culture around thinking I am helping people. Democrats suck as much as Republicans so voting donkey is just as bad you morons. Everyone needs to pull there heads outta their asses. Remember Operation Desert Fox, Remember the War in Kosovo, remember the infamous interview with Madeline Albright saying that 10,000 iraqi childrens dying a month due to the sanctions is "worth it". Democrat, Liberal, Conservative, Republican, its all the same bull shit. They just play you into thinking one is better than the other. They are all slaves to this corporate Utopia that you are blindly waving the flag for. So you democrats FUCK OFF and you republicans FUCK OFF and you "emo" kids FUCK OFF and all you kids who think you are god's gift to earth cuz you now joined the one campaign and think that corporations are going to "rid the world of poverty" yeah you too, FUCK OFF
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